Roll or Bust?

I was a roller girl when I was younger. I pretty much had my skates on my feet from the time I got up (or home from school) until bed time. I skated most weekends at the rink, both competing in speed skating, and winning the title of junior girls speed skating champion and  competing in the roller disco limboing where I always came home with a lolly :).  I loved going to the rink, and still remember the first time I decided to try the big hill. And that we spent a lot of time talking to boys!

When I was about 22 I pulled out my skates for the first time in a long time and skated around our flats car park. I then decided to try and skate to the shops. I gave myself a hell of a fright as I had trouble stopping and almost skated onto a car filled road, decided I was too old for roller skates and gave them away! 

The truth is, I had given myself such a fright and I had become so cautious, as we often do as we get older, that I was too scared to imagine I'd ever try again.

Flick to 3 years ago. I heard that there was a roller derby team in Sydney and it made me wish I had kept up with roller skating. Then I saw the movie Whip It and again thought 'why the heck didn't I keep up with roller skating, that's so damn cool'.  And then the final straw was a woman I knew (although not well) joined a roller derby team and I though 'OMG she is older than me!!'

Too old!! Too unfit!! Too responsible!! In the end it all came down to being too scared!! And blast if I was going to listen to those little voices anymore.

But I did, oh sure I told myself it was because I didn't want to spend the money on new skates and I was 'trying' to find cheap ones or because I couldn't find a place to try skates on again. But really I wanted skates but was still to scared.

This year my dad and Inge gave me some money for my birthday, with the clause that it wasn't to go into the kitty. I was to buy myself something I really wanted. I had been longing for skates for over 2.5 years and decided, stuff it! Even if I only use them once, I will never know unless I put some skates on my feet and give it a go!

They arrived yesterday and straight away I strapped them on and started the first tentative rolls around the house. Then I decided I needed to get out on the street and actually take them for a burn. And it we awesome!! I remembered how to turn quickly as a way to stop, I remembered all of the moves and yeah, I probably looked completely uncoordinated as I occasionally felt like I was going to loose my balance but yeeHaa I was skating.

Then I fell over, on my butt! It hurt so much I wanted to cry, but instead I got up and kept skating.

Today as I put my skates on again I feel more cautious. I wish there was a rink closer because the hardest part is trying to deal with uneven surfaces while I get my rollerfeet back. But I have decided that for at least the next two weeks I will put my skates on everyday and keep trying because I want to feel like I've put my birthday money to good use and mostly because I don't want to be scared anymore.

My butt is still sore, but hey I'm still rolling and should be (and am) proud of that alone.

Sounds Like?

When looking at schools one of the things that drew me to Jacks school was the strong music program. I was excited for my kids to have the opportunity to play in a band or solo if that was the thing they were interested in.

Then once we started I realised that they weren't really able to play anything but percussion instruments until they were in year two. It felt like a long way away.

But Jack is in year 2 this year and today was musical try outs. What was awesome was that it wasn't the kids trying out for a place (like an audition). Instead the music department pulled out all of the instruments and told the kids to have at it! Try everything, see if there is anything that you enjoy and would like to take further, or if you don't feel like this is your year, come back to it next year.

They had timpanies, drum kits, keyboards and piano, saxophones, violins, flutes, clarinets, trumpets, trombones, percussion, and a lone cello.

Jack started off feeling very nervous, but seeing that they had older kids showing the younger ones how to positions their mouths or hold the instrument Jack quickly relaxed and wandered from space to space listening and trying.

And you know what, I was jealous! I wish that this access to instruments of all shapes and sizes was something that had been available to me when I was young.

So this morning we found out that the cello, violin and drums weren't Jacks 'thing'. As he tried the trumpet he got such a lovely clear sound straight away that even the music teacher was surprised (ohh how I would love for him to choose the trumpet, but I felt forced to play the trumpet when I was young and so no pressure).

I got such a huge rush from watching him trying all of these things, and hope he chooses to join. But also will not push it. He has already said that he would like a guitar, which will be a very belated birthday present. And he regularly picks up his (on loan) saxophone, but it's still a bit to big for him to really get into it.

It was a mummy moment worth bottling and an experience I think he will keep with him for a long time to come. And if he decided this year isn't his year or that playing in a ensemble isn't his thing then at least he has had the opportunity.

Watching - Sherlock S2.

Listening - Other than Jack on the cello I have an obsession with The xx at the moment.

Reading - Fahrenheit 451

State of mind - All tingly and so proud of both my boys. I may need to be reminded of this later in the week :)

School Girl Crush

When I was in junior primary school I had a crush on one of the boys in my class. Actually most of the girls had a crush on the same boy. I remember all of us chasing him in a game of catch and kiss and him getting so overwhelmed by the attention that he burst into tears.

I'm purposefully reminding myself of this story today because it has become apparent to me that there is a little girl in Jacks class that has a crush on him, and if I'm honest it's freaking me out.

He, in true Jack style, is completely oblivious. To him girls are just other cool people you hang out with at school when your sick of playing the games your guy friends play. He is so very very far from crushes.

Now I like this little girl very much. She is ballsy, and being the youngest after three brothers, she's outspoken, knows more about things like popular music and teen idols than most of the kids I've met. And apparently she gets what boy-girl relationships are 'supposed' to be about.

At Jacks sixth birthday party she arrived and had Jack written on her leg in pen with a love heart around it. I thought it was hilarious and also a bit more advanced than I had thought six year old kids were on average. This year they are in class again and the other day she invited Jack to her birthday party. It was a giggly affair as she handed over the invite and then as she walked off I heard her say to her friend "Oh my god, his hair is soooo cool".

Ummm ok ...

Then this morning she and one of her friends were talking to me and as I said that Jack was really looking forward to coming to her party her friend started to giggle and said in an excited tone "did you invite him?". The little crush girl smirked said yeah, then they both wandered off giggling and whispering looking back at Jack.

Oh My God!!!

So I'm reminding myself that I too had a little school girl crush when I wasn't much older than these kids are now, and it didn't turn into anything (mind you I am wondering if the boy we made cry was traumatized).

And of course when I told AB he was kind of chuffed and didn't at all get my mumma bear reaction ... the difference between men and women or fathers and sons?

They are growing so fast and sure it's all normal and expected, but today I am imagining him with girlfriends, kissing and heartbreak and wondering about this whole parenting thing and the directions it takes you in.

Remind me to get this little girls phone number, I may need to talk to her parents. (joking of course! .... mostly)

Watching - the miraculous event of a woman giving birth and a man becoming a father. What a lucky woman I am.

Listening - Aliens. I know I should be watching it but I'm to busy blogging.

Reading - Birth plan notes and the last chapter of Road to Perdido.

State of mind - a bit hyper after a birth but soooo glad to be off call and enjoying a glass of wine.

What Now?

It's the question of the moment. Now that I have two kids at school, what are my plans now. It's surprising who and how many people have asked me this in the last few weeks. People who love me, people who hardly know me, people who work full time outside the home and others who are still stay at home mums.

What now?

It's a curious question, and one where the answer isn't as easy as you might think.

What now?

I do keep asking myself the same question over and over again. I mean I do some work for AB each week but at the moment it's not enough to keep me busy five days a week. And sure at least one day a week could be filled with cleaning and grocery shopping. And I absolutely could spend some time fixing bits a pieces around the house, the lounge room alone could take me two weeks. But all of that still leaves around 2 - 3 days a week free.
Or 50 weeks, minus holidays thats 38 weeks which is (after weekends) 190 days, minus the 2ish days work I have that's 114 days!

114 me days a year! What now?

Cause let's be honest, I'm incredibly lackadaisical and sure I could totally spend some of that time catching up on favourite TV shows or books that have sat unread for way to long. But even I would find that boring after a certain amount of time (not as long as you would think, but longer than is probably healthy).

The truth is I don't exactly know 'what now?'.

I do know that there is probably more work coming through from ABs work, and I hope there is. It will be great to be busy during the school hours, it will be amazing to bring in some extra money to help out with our finances and take some of the burden off AB being the (mostly) sole provider. But I'm also glad that I get to pick up my kids every day, that the little money I already bring in helps, that I have the ability and now the time to hopefully fix our place up a bit more (cause lord knows it needs it).

So honestly, feel free to ask me what now? But please understand when I say "I have no idea! but if you have any feel free to share" :)

Watching - recently just devoured 'Misfits' seasons 1-3 loved it and recommend it highly. But take into account it could just be a very 'me' type show.

Listening - The XX, love that album!

Reading - Perdido Street Station - China Mieville.

State of mind - All kind of soft and gooey, with a chewy center :)

Golden Oldies.

Like most people my age I've had a lot of friendships. Most have been wonderful. Some have ended badly. Some have only been for a few days and others almost a lifetime.

My best and oldest friendship is with Catriona. I've mentioned her before (normally calling her Treena). We met on the first day of kindergarten and the story goes that as our mums picked us up from our first day we both ran to them and asked if Treen could have a sleep over that night. They convinced us to wait until the weekend and we were inseparable from then on.

Oh sure like all kids, we had ups and downs but in the end our friendship survived. It survived through different friends, my parents divorce, different high schools and social groups, it continues to survive in spite of the fact that she lives in a different state and we only see each other once a year.

She is more than a friend. She is like a sister, some kind of soul mate, she is my family and so deeply part of my heart that I can't imagine it could keep beating if she wasn't part of my life.

Yesterday I got a knock at the door and it was our postman. He had a huge box for me from Treena. I tried to think what it could be, there are no birthdays nearby and Xmas has passed. I opened the card, and I started to cry. It was an anniversary present, timed perfectly to both match our 30th year of friendship and my littlest boys first week of school.

Inside were two intricately wrapped (to survive posting from Brisbane to Sydney) flying ducks, which I had mentioned to her that I wanted a few months ago.

After I stopped sobbing I felt a little guilty, I should have remembered, I should have sent her something or at least touched base about it. It felt so amazing to have this package, filled with so much thought and love arrive unexpectedly on my doorstep.

As soon as I can convince AB to see securely put some hooks in the wall, they will have pride of place in our lounge room. And every time I look at them I will feel a little 'happy sad' that my life has been so blessed to have her in it.

It will also remind me to be thankful for all of my friends and to make a point of telling them so. Starting with Treena!!

All Dressed Up.

Here he is. All ready for his first day of school and so incredibly proud. Walking around with his chest puffed out and the excited energy pouring out of him.

He walked straight into the classroom, sat at a desk and started playing with the play dough, just like his brother did on his first day two years ago.

I can't wait to pick him up, and ask him all about his day. To find out who he played with and what he thinks of his teacher. To see if he is disappointed that he didn't learn to read fluently on his first day (because that's how he thinks it works).

I'm sure there will be hard days, but today was not one of them.

It's Cool! Seriously!

I've been feeling really centered about the fact that Hamish starts school this week.  He's so excited that he has already packed his bag, decorated his library bag and told me exactly what he wants in his lunchbox for the first day.  And it's contagious.  Our whole household is buzzing with happy 'Hamish is starting school' vibes.

Until last night.  It's been a hot humid few days in Sydney, and in our old double brick house it means that sleep (upstairs) is almost impossible.  So as I lay there trying to get some sleep, I pondered on the whole school thing.  And yes I am excited, and yes I do think that he is ready and will be fine but I had forgotten something.  I had forgotten how much that first year of school changes them.

Jack was also excited about school and he fit into the whole thing really well, but by about 1/2 way through the year I noticed how much older he seemed.  He was more self assured, he needed me less, and although he was still my little man, he was also developing in a direction that I had no control over.  And that's a good thing.  But its also challenging.

So on Thursday my littlest man starts on the same journey.  By the end of this year, Hamish will be able to read.  He will be more independent, more grown-up, he will be a very different version of the boy that I send off to school in a few days..  And yes I am excited, but I am also feeling aware that this is the beginning of him becoming, even more, the Hamish he is without me.

I guess I should be used to the kids growing up by now!!

What Now?

I'm practically giddy with excitement! For the foreseeable future I have FINALLY finished painting the front of my house!!

I feel like a huge weight has been lifted and am so proud of the result so far. I mean I started working on the front around the 1st of September and it's taken 4 1/2 months to get to this point. Mostly this has been a mixture of delays due to rain and/or life. Mostly every day that I have been able to do something I have, and every day I haven't I've felt like I should.

There is still loads to do:

- Fix and paint the hole above the upstairs doors.
- Paint the 1/2 meter bit on the side that got left till last because it requires a long ladder and then I ran out of paint.
- Organise someone to sand and seal the boards on the upper and lower deck.
- Once the floors are sealed, paint the lining boards and posts with a final coat.
- Get the brick layer to build our front fence.
- Organise front light fitting and gate for fence.
- Get tiler to tile the path.
- Put beading between floors and walls.
- Landscape, landscape, landscape.

And then fix the paintwork again after all these things are done.

For now though, there is nothing I can do until trades people and/or cash start flowing through the house again. So today I'm sitting on my deck, watching the world go by and just enjoying the fact that tomorrow when I wake my first thought won't be to look out the window and try and decide if it's a painting day or not!!

Deja Vu

What do you do when your feeling cooped up during the holidays? You have another long weekend of course.

I went down south to the island again on Thursday with the kids and AB and the clan who own the property arrived on the Friday afternoon.

This time I actually feel like I got enough time away, although the kids have already asked when we are going back and I could be easily convinced to try and fit another long weekend in soon.

But for now I'm enjoying being back in our space. I'm to planning to knock over the last of the painting this week (weather permitting) and I'd like to do a bit of house preening like finally stain the kitchen floors or fix up our bathroom or hang a few more prints.

For now I'm going to sit back and revel in the feeling of having been relaxed for a few days and try and get that feeling to last for a few more.

Memorable moments:

- No one vomiting on the way down through kangaroo valley. This could either be good timing or the travel sickness homeopathic that I had given both children and dogs.

- The weather for the first two days was sublime, we swam and played by the river, the kids took tools down to dig for more fossils and we swam some more. I also finally left the island during our stay to see the lay of the land in Nowra. Mind you the beach is two minutes from the house and I still haven't seen it.

- The mossies and sand flies we're intense. I got 15 huge bites just unpacking the car and they are still itchy. After that we all made sure we sprayed ourselves before walking out the door. Plus AB and Tool went to town at the hardware shop finding every mossie destroying device they could find.

- Vivs roast dinner. I've decided that there is nothing nicer than someone else's roast. They do their meat differently and they have different accompaniments such as home made apple sauce, or brussle sprouts, prosciutto and lemon ... yumm.

- The kids all went for a kayak on the river. After about an hour I decided to put my eyes on them and walked down to find Hamish sitting in the back of one of the kids kayaks laughing and Jack paddling up river by himself. It took all of my cool nature to just call out "are you guys all cool?" and then walk away hoping that they both made it back to shore in one piece. Actually as I type that it sounds incredible irresponsible, but they were with 2 very water confident teenagers and the water is only just past knee deep.

- Nights on the island are amazing. It's so dark and quiet you could almost believe you are alone in the world except for the quiet sounds of 11 people and 3 dogs sleeping

- Although the first night while I was alone with the kids I made the mistake of watching a scary movie. I got the creeps, couldn't find the dog (who I thought may have been down at the river but I was too freaked out to actually go and find him) and so I stood with a torch calling out. Twice I saw the reflection of eyes by the water but seeing I couldn't see if it was the dog that just freaked me out even more. Of course it WAS him and he finally came home soaking at midnight at which time I could finally go to sleep. A good nights sleep was not had as, in the space where I normally hear many other peoples sleepy sounds, all I heard were creaks or clicks of random things out in night. Needless to say I was kind of glad I had company the next night.

- Watching Hamish play 'Just Dance' with the other kids on the Wii. Not only did he win a few times, the level of concentration as he tries to replicate the moves was completely adorable.

- Hanging out with two teenagers (who weren't mine so I got to give them back). I had a blast talking to the two oldest kids. Sure they are starting to get a bit of extra attitude but talking to them gave me a clearer view of how my relationship will change over the years with my kids and it was quite an exciting though.

- Last but definitely not least, just getting to hang with adults and kids who's company we all truly enjoy. All five of the clans children are lovely (albeit quirky), and seeing my children interact with them and enjoy their company just warms my heart. Being with AB when he is away is lovely because all of the pressures of day to day life are lifted for a short time and he is more present than he gets to be at home. And the other adults are so welcoming and loving that I think the whole family feel warm in their presence.

Watching - A lot of sport (as it what happens when you holiday with sporty people). AB loved it, I listened to a lot of music and played a lot of Sonic while watching a house full of people watch other people kick balls around :)

Listening - I discovered a song on my iPod that was called The Island by The XX.

Reading - A mixture of late nights and busy days have reduced my reading to almost nil.

State of mind - An interesting mixture of thankful, full, happy to be home and regretful that it's all over. Realistically if the island was mine, I think I'd have trouble ever wanting to leave but it's the company, watching my kids play with their non cousins that really makes it special.

Aging Gracefully ... Mentally

I don't age well ... mentally. Every birthday seems to send me off in this whirlwind of psychosis, worrying about time running out and things left undone.

I think this was exacerbated by mum dying quiet young. She died at 56 and if I die at the same age (which logically I know if highly unlikely) then I only have 21 years left!

So just after a birthday I am filled with a burst of energy to do the things on my life list (bucket list) but also because it kind of messes with my head this extra surge is met with a morbid sadness that makes me want to climb into bed and pull the covers over my head until I'm 25 again. Hence the psychosis!!

I'm cranky at the age gods for slowly eating away at my youth. And yet so amazed at how wonderful my life is that I don't want anything to change. And therein lies the conundrum, even if I had a time machine that could flip me back to my 25 year old self there is very little I would change and so I would probably wind up back here at 35 in the same aging psychosis that I am currently ... maybe I already have?

So whats the point of this post? Nothing really, I don't think there are any words of wisdom to help, I assume as time goes on (and god knows it will) that I will get more 'ok' with the aging process. Maybe I will have that epiphany that so many of my friends have had at 40, that its actually all uphill, not down as it feels at the moment. But as always my blog is a self indulgent way of sharing whatever weird thoughts, interests or events are going on in my head at any given time :)

I wonder, am I the only one who spend moments obsessing about getting older? Does everyone else just take it in their stride? I know it's a waste of energy to worry about something you can't change but I can also see a good side to it. I mean it's not exactly a bad thing to spend some time once a year reevaluating and thinking of ways to make sure you live your life to the fullest potential. And don't worry the psychosis is usually over by February!

Watching - Shameless. I've been watching the US version but am planning on watching the original UK version. And 'Grimm', not rocking my world but worth a look.

Reading - Seeing its the festive season I am really looking for light reading at night so I'm going through a few old Gaiman's.

Listening - Manu Chau, King of the Bongo. And right this second, Sweet Jane by the Cowboy Junkies.

State of Mind - Other than freaking out about my age, generally I'm in good spirits and just feeling so blessed with friends and family.