Monday, 19 August 2013

Changing Homes

I'm not a car person. In fact if I ask you what kind of car you have,
I'm probably just looking for you to tell me the colour. Cars are
just tools, they take you from A-B and hopefully are reliable.

This is what I thought I felt. But it seems I am getting a new car and
suddenly I am mourning my current car.

I didn't buy it. One day AB just came home with it as my then current
car was not able to have a baby seat in it. I thought it was a fussy
looking soccer mum car and not at all how I saw myself. But it has
been the most perfect car for our family.

It bought Jack home from the hospital, taken us on many road trips,
been vomited in, shat in, had every manner of spillage in it. It takes
me to work, takes me to friends, it gives me the freedom to do what I
want and need.

I have realized that I LOVE my car. It's perfect. I know exactly how
to drive it in the city, I know it's dimensions perfectly. It's old
and beaten up now. It's paint job is so dodgy after years of being
parked outside and being pooped on by bats that its been a long time
since I felt precious about it. It has NEVER broken down. I can drive
it lazily or fierce. It's so unpretentious and even a bit boring.
It's part of my home.

So apparently even though I don't 'do' cars. I have somehow fallen in
love with this one. This new car has big wheels to fill.

Wednesday, 7 August 2013

The Plank

This weekend we have the finals of this tournament I've been talking
about. It's going to be a challenge.

We are again playing the Blue Mountains roller derby league to decide
who gets third and who comes fourth. Remember those little super
charged mice I was talking about, so fast, so agile, so strong, yeah
them. And us .... The little team that could ... Or at least tries
their little hearts out. This could be one of those times when 'we
don't win'.

Saying that, a week ago we had a scrimmage against a team that are
newer than us but are also part of the super league of NSW. I was
really nervous ... What if these newbies beat us?

During our joint warm up they were leading the drills and they told us
to plank for a minute.

I hate planking! I hate it because it hurts, it's hard, and I have
never done more than 30 seconds before either falling onto my knees or
completely flattening out on the floor in anger at those making me
even try it. I hate it because I know I can't do it.

I didn't want to look weak in front of this team. I wanted them to
see me as fierce, strong, skillful and completely in control. But now
I had to do the stupid hateful plank and they would see that I am weak
and the mask I was putting on would fall away.

So I started planking. Gritting my teeth and wondering when I would
give up. Wondering when they would see just how unworthy I really was.
My back is the first thing to hurt. This sharp ache that goes right
through my core. Then my arms and thighs starts to burn and I know
it's just moments until I start shaking and fall to the ground looking
every bit as old and unfit as I know I am. The worst part is because
of my failure to be able to do this hateful exercise they may then
think that our whole team is weak!

So I grit my teeth and keep planking, thinking about how much I need
to do this. They call out 20 second...
then 30...
then 20 more to go...
10 more...
And 5, 4, 3, 2, 1!

I had planked for a minute, and no one but me knew how hard it had
been. How every second ticked in slow motion. They would have noticed
had I fallen but they way they saw it planking for a minute was just
an everyday activity for me.

So this Saturday, I'll mentally be planking. And if nothing else I
know that at the end if I mentally plank I will be doing exactly what
I need to be doing. I will be looking fierce, strong, skillful and
completely in control. Win or lose.

By the way we won that scrimmage, impressively so ... Probably wasn't
ALL because of the plank though.
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