Monday, 14 May 2012

I Don't Do Sports

I am probably the least sporty person I have ever met. I don't and
have never played any regular sports. In fact I used to fein injury
and illness to get out of as much high school sports as possible. I
have practically never done any sort of physical activity, and
certainly never with the idea that I was trying to win. I never watch
or think about sport in any way. I have also never been a part of a
team, well not on purpose. I haven't been in the school play, or
joined a band, or been part of a social group that required us all to
work together to reach a certain goal.

Actually I guess I have. But again never on purpose. I am actually a
good team player, as long as you don't use the words team player. I
work with couples and hospital staff or midwives as a team during
pregnancy and labour. When I worked for companies with multiple staff
I like to think I worked well as a 'team'. But I wasn't thinking of it
as team work, just as doing my job.

So here I am today thinking about next Saturday. Derby tryout day.
Where I am actively going to try and be one the member of a team. And
not just any team. A sports team.

I don't do sports!

It's easier for me if I think about it as an active social group. Or
a bunch of friends with wheels on their feet. Or just playing. My
sense of self is so tightly wound around the idea that I am
un-athletic and innately lazy, that I just can't seem to think of it
that way. But it's not. It is sport. It's exercise. I'm going to have
to be team player...

I'm so filled with nervous excitement that I can barely contain
myself. I wish it were Friday already so I didn't have to wait out
the week. Because on Saturday I will not only be fearful of trying
out, hoping desperately that I make the cut. But I will have to
overcome another fear. Being judged on my performance.

You see a big part of why I never joined a band, or the school
performances, is my fear of auditioning. The idea of people watching
and judging me on something I love doing and want to do well at, fills
me with such a huge sense of dread that it's been too terrifying to
even try.

What if they tell me I'm terrible! What if I don't managed to do what
I know is my best and let myself (and others) down! Or worse, what if
I do my best and I'm still not good enough! All of my quite real
blood sweat and tears will literally be put to the test.

Just a few months ago I put on my skates for the first time. I didn't
think of it as exercise. Just playing around. But then someone asked
if anyone was interested in derby and I tentatively put my hand up. I
couldn't skate but thought, what the hell I may as well stay in the

Because I've been loving skating, it's been fun to practice. These
days I train three times a week with others and lots of little bits a
pieces on my own. And I'm slowly but surely getting the foot work.
And my stamina is improving ... although lets be honest the only way
was up. But it's my stamina that still needs the most work.

On Saturday, one of the many things we will be tested on is how many
laps can we do in 5 minutes. Doesn't sound like long, but for me
skating at full speed in large circles for that long feels like enough
to give me a heart attack, or at least make me vomit. I've done it
twice over the last weeks during our derby training (we've been
working with our coaches before we get in just because we and they
couldn't wait for the official tryouts ... which of course is
brilliant but it will be hard to give them up if I don't make the
cut). And I do manage to exceed the minimum amount of laps to make the
cut. But what if I'm extra tired on Saturday? What if I fall? What if
the fear of being judged takes over and I just can't make it?

Stamina!! I'm starting to regret being such a lazy bint all these years.

Anyway, I'm going to be spending the week not letting my nerves run
away with me. I'm going to think positively about it and try and make
myself believe that the point of the day is to overcome my fear of
being judged and if I actually make the team, well that's just gravy.
If I make the moment of awesomeness be about overcoming the fear and
just doing the tryouts then in a way I have already won 1/2 the battle
by turning up. I'll set my goals small, and then take anything after
that as an added bonus.

Just as long as no one starts telling me it's sport I should be fine *grin*

Watching - Whatever has been recorded on our IQ

Listening - New favourite is In for the kill by La Roux

Reading - Same

State of mind - like I should get my skates on and practice that 25 in 5.

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