"Mum, why do i go to preschool?"

I feel like we have started a new journey and I am earning my mothering badge, Why? has entered Jacks vocabulary. Its not been that confronting yet, but it's coming I can see it on the horizon. So amazing to watch as he starts exploring the universe pondering and wondering, and I'm sure it will be trying at times. If we embrace it we will learn as much as he will, as we have to explain our actions and decision and as we ponder how to explain the world.

World

THe world is not something to look at,
it is something to be in
Mark Rudman

Lost and Found

A woman i know but not well, lost her baby today, she was just over 20 weeks pregnant, he was a little boy.

I feel reminded of how easily your control on your life can slip through your fingers.

It reminds me of the 22 year old girl who lost her daughter Penny Lane at 40 weeks pregnant, thank you for sharing your story i thought of Penny Lane every day through my pregnancy with Jack and didn't once complain about all day sickness or feeling heavy and overdue. It also makes me think of Louise who had the same due date as me and we talked all the way through our pregnancies, then when her little boy Seamus was 4 weeks and Jack was 3 weeks old Seamus suddenly died with no warning. Thanks you for reminding me that life with a newborn is hard but life without is harder.

My beautiful boys, i hope i tell you often enough how amazing and special you are, what a lucky mummy i am

Jack and I at 37 weeks

Hamish and I 38 weeks

Hamish Before and After

I didn't want to lose this in the cosmos. I cant believe that Hamish is only weeks away from being the same age as Jack was when Hamish was born. What an amazing 18 months......

I had so many emotions before and after Hamish this slide show really reminds me how amazing and precious the journey was ..... so very lucky

Magic Yellow Bus

Our wonderful council runs a service called the Magic Yellow Bus (MYB to us in the know). Basically its a yellow truck full of toys and activities that is goes to a different park everyday plonks out a bunch of mats cushions and activities and the kids run a muck while the parents drink coffee, chat or run after their kids. Mothers groups meet up, if your lonely its a great place to meet someone to talk to and i have met some of my best friends there.

We are season professionals at the bus, we go at least twice a week and have been going to the bus at Enmore park on Thursday since Jack was a few months old. We know almost everyone by sight and a lot by name. Jack and Hamish know the organisers well, they look after them set them up for arm painting let them help out at pack up time and last week they took a bunch of photos of our kids. I honestly that my stars most weeks that we have the MYB my kids have always loved it and its the most chilled out time of my week.

Separation of Character

Jack has always been a physical kid, he has always been strong and has a tendency to deal with disputes in a physical way. As he has grown i have come to terms with it and realised that "it to will pass". The other day while thinking about things that Jack might like to do i thought about martial arts, i wondered seeing that Jack loves to rumble and fight if a martial art might not help him learn how to deal with feeling aggressive and also give him an outlet.

We called the local Taekwondo school and they run a program called little dragons for 3-5 year olds and invited us to come and have a free class to see what it was all about. Needless to say Jack loved it, he was great at listening to the directions and following what the bigger kids were doing BUT i didn't love it, in fact it really pushed a lot of my buttons.

I hadn't anticipated the authoritarian nature of the class and the praise if you conformed. It got me thinking .... this was one of those moments, what direction was Jack going to take in his life, who was he going to be, what would putting this activity and these people and rules going to do to who he is going to become. I don't just think that it is martial arts, if i was looking at putting him into ballet classes or soccer the resulting issues would be similar, he is getting older and classes are no longer just about having fun they are about playing my the rules.

I haven't made any decisions yet, i need to talk to Andrew and figure out if we think that Jack is ready, but the question is now do we want a taekwondo kid or a soccer kid or a horse riding kid, and am i ready to be the martial arts version of a soccer mum

Alone

Andrew and the dogs are away for a few days, i knew that i would miss Andrew but felt a sense of relief that the dogs were going with him 2 less dependants to look after on my own.
As I'm sitting here i am acutely aware that i am actually missing the dogs, the movement the noise the knowledge that someone with better hearing that i is keeping watch. Who would have thought?

Mind you everyone being away has made me think about our next holiday. Today id like to go back to wales. Dad and i spent one night in this great little town called Aberystwyth, it was beautiful and it felt as though you could explore the corners for weeks.

Hmmm maybe not, but i can dream :)

Fiction Plane

http://www.myspace.com/fictionplane

Heard these guys today, the lead is Stings son and they are opening for the Police at the moment. I think their track Two Sisters is a really smart funky song, he sounds like a mixture of his dad and James Reign.

The Wonder of Love

My littlest boy is the sweetest thing, he loves me so much that sometimes i feel like im drowning in it. Pretty special feeling.
Both boys make me feel that i am divine and special and totally loved beyond reason and fault. I try every day to tell them what a lucky mummy i am that i was given the two most special and amazing boys that have ever been, Jack has started saying a similar thing to me with comments like 'mummy you are the most special mummy' and my heart melts but Hamish by his actions has said that to me since the day he was born.

Beds and Growing up

Jack asked a few months ago why he didn't have his own bed, i knew this day was coming i just hadn't expected it at that moment, i explained that he slept with us but if he would like his own bed we would get one after Christmas. Well much to my dismay its after Christmas now and last week i found him a bed (without the mattress) he looked at it set up last night and seemed genuinely excited about it, now all i have to do is get the mattress and i guess that's where he will start the night. I have no illusions that he will sleep there permanently but its a start ...... i miss him already where did my little chubba bubba go

It was also Jacks friend Arieals 3rd birthday today, like Jack she wanted a themed party and where as Jack wanted a Dinosaur/Marble party Arieal wanted a horse themed party. What is it in them that led them to like such different things, they are growing to be far more gender specific than i though, i thought the boys like cars and girls like horses was a parent/media illusion I'm more likely now to argue that its genetic, like my wanting a Ute :)

Sleep

Hmm the value of sleep ... it seems so overrated when you have it and totally underrated when you dont

Transformation

I am not the mother I thought I would be; I come from a long line of what are considered main stream mothers;
Give me that wonderful epidural,
Birth is to be endured,
A child in your bed will never get out,
Bottle is as good a breast,
When a child misbehaves (as they will because children are innately naughty) you yell, smack and bring them into line.

My mother was actually not like that, but she died before I got a chance to notice her ideals, did she think epidurals were a girls best friend, or that children needed to be in prams not slings? I’ll never know.

I am not the mother I thought I would be, I am something altogether different
I didn’t want the ‘amazing’ epidural I wanted to feel and experience every part of the birth of my child,
Birth was not something to endure it was something to revel in.
Once I held my child I couldn’t imagine him being further away from me than the other side of my skin we sleep chest to chest,
I carried him always,
I breastfeed him still 3 years later as I now feed his brother,
I fight every urge to smack or yell or shame him at all, this part is the hardest I am unlearning it slowly.

I am not the mother I thought I would be, I will continue to unlearn that but hopefully if I continue to listen to my children they will help me become I am the mother I want to be, some days I already am

Nature Child

Nature Child

why did you come to me

who are you

who will you be