89 Years Young

Today we had a funeral for Andrews Grandpa. As funerals go it was lovely simple and honest, just like he was.

I didn't really know my grandparents. My mothers father died when I was nine, and her mother died before I was born. My fathers parents were in the UK and so I knew them simply through a visit or two and birthday cards.

My ideas of grandparents were gained through watching other people's grannies or by watching the few old people that knew growing up.

Mick Harrold was the first real grandparent I got to know close up. He was exactly what you would want a grandpa to be. He was kind and sometimes moody, he was honest and loving to everyone, especially me, he was funny when called for but mostly he sat quietly drinking his tea and watching the commotion around him.

He was spritely until only recently, and died suddenly but coincidently (or if your spiritual at all, not so coincidently) holding his wife of 63 years hand.

It was a good death, moments before it he asked for orange juice and had been talking to one of his sons and his wife. And then he slipped quickly and quietly within a breath.

We should all hope for such a death.
No pain, just old, still with most of our faculties (although they were just starting to fade) holding someone who had loved us for the vast majority of our lives hand.

Today I stood and looked at his body and he looked as peaceful as I have ever seen someone who has died. I told him that, I had never told him in life that I loved him but I believed he knew it and I knew that he loved me too. I could feel it as he jumped up to give me tight cuddles and stubbly kisses, in the way he told me stories about his his life, marriage, religious beliefs (he had none, but lived a life that any god would be proud of), and in the way when everyone else was fussing he would give me a quick glance and a cheeky smile as if to say 'I know you think this is as silly as I do'.

Goodbye Grandpa Mick, thank you got being my grandpa too.

Party Finale!

As usual with the whole birthday party thing I took very few photos as I was to busy talking and refilling drinks.

After most of the kids had already left I remembered the helium balloons AB had bought for kids to take home, and so we had a house filled with 25 beautiful balloons. So instead the stragglers and I wrote wishes on them and sent them into the sky.

Mostly the wishes were for puppies, blocks, kittens or dinosaurs but the idea was still sweet and the excitement as they watched them float away was priceless.

All birthday parties for this year are complete (yay). Now it's time for the mammoth clean up and to sit down and relax.

Party Planning (2)

Cake, Cake, Cake, Cake, Cake ..... That is all.

Party Planning (1)

It's Thursday, and Hamishs birthday party is Saturday arvo ... Let the freaking out begin. The undeniable truth is for this party I am trying to match the effort and planning that I gave Jacks fifth birthday party

I rarely do this, try and keep up with one or the other as far as effort. But for some reason this fifth birthday has hit my buttons. I think it has to do with starting school and developing relationships, but I could be wrong.

Anyway, time allowing there are two more days for me to freak out and blog about my freaking out and pontificate about why I'm freaking out. For now I just want to show off my amp piñata that goes with the electric guitar cake I am going to attempt tomorrow.

I have a feeling the cake might be an epic fail, but right now I want to bask in the glow of the best ever home made amp (in my humble opinion).

It's one of those pull the cord piñatas not the whack with stick sort (I've seen to many funniest home videos of people getting nutted by an over sugared kid suffering sugar come down and given a stick with the promise of the next high go be fooled).

So piñata (tick), cake decoration planning (tick), house spring cleaned (tick), everything else .... Hmmm maybe if I'm lucky it will be done before midday Saturday. If not hopefully everyone will be so enamored by my amp that they won't notice.

A Toast

Tonight I am feeling inspired to toast my gorgeous women friends. I am so very lucky to have many amazing, funny, loving, mad, and completely divine women in my day to day life.
In the 'old day's I wasn't much into women friends. I had a few but generally I had a lot more male friends than female. I found male friends easier, more laid-back and generally more on my wave length. Women on the other hand seemed complicated, more high need and I didn't ever feel that I really met those needs adequately enough. I didn't cope with the competitive nature of a lot of female/female relationships. And I guess I thought that that was just part of most relationships with women.
How wrong I was. And how right as well. The truth is that there is a lot of competition in female friendships. But this is where I'm lucky. I have been lucky enough to make friends with quite a few women in the last few years that are some of the most equal, balanced and healthy relationships of my life.
Last week I called a friend in a complete tizz late at night and she talked me down. I had other friends who rallied around me and loved me through some hard times. I had a neighbor who even after only knowing her a few years seems to completely get me and both doesn't mind when I rock up on her doorstep in need of a venting space and knows she can (and does) rock up on mine for the same reason.
These days I almost always have someone I can call, or cuddle, or rant at whenever I need. And they do the same with me. And that's just all the hard stuff. The same women also dance, sing, laugh and be silly with me. They remind me what it is to be young, and joyful and light. And my world feels safer and warmer with them in it.
So cheers, my wonderful friends I hope you see in my eyes and/or hear in my voice every time we connect just how much I adore you.
And if your reading this and wondering 'is she talking about me?' the answer is yes :) xx
Watching - finally watched the BSG finale and feeling slightly devastated.
Listening - Kimbra, Ray Charles and Sneaker Pimps
Reading - Still working my way through Fables' and surprisingly not loving it, but it's keeping me interested enough to keep reading.
State of mind - Slightly overwhelmed at the idea of Hamish's party on the weekend. But so grateful ...

New Musical Obessions - Kimbra

A friend sent me the new Goyte release 'Someone I Used To Know' Featuring Kimbra recently.  I love Goyte (and am having a love affair with this song) but had not heard of Kimbra.  And then another friend mentioned her a few days later, after a bit of perusing the internet I think I have found my new musical obsession. I can't wait to hear her album which is coming out in a month or so.  What a voice, what a presence .... ohhhh.

Happy 5th Birthday Hamish

Five years, it sounds like a long time but as I have watched my littlest grow it feels so fleeting. Five is how old he will be when he starts school, as he starts to move away from me and grow into the even more independent little person he will be.
It's been such a joyous, mad, rough, love filled five years and everyday he does something that makes me stop and want to pull him to me and tell him what an amazing unique and loved little boy he is .... And I do.
So much and so little has happened so far in his life and I can't wait to watch him as he grows and find himself and see what other adventures he takes me on.
I also can't believe it's been 5 years since I was pregnant and almost 2 years since I breastfed. It all feels like yesterday.
Happy birthday my littlest, most exuberant, tenacious and loving boy. You, who completed our family and helped me become a woman. You are so very loved.
Watching - Hamish open presents
Listening - To the clatter of the toys Hamish got for his birthday.
Reading - whatever Hamish wants it is his birthday after all.
State of mind - Reflective, proud and quite a bit older (seriously .... My baby is 5 !!)

Picture Me Here

After a few shocking weeks AB and I decided last minute to pike on all weekend plans and spend the weekend at our friends holiday house.
After a morning of doing odd-jobs (it's like a perfect barter system, we do a few jobs and then get the use of a house by the water) I've just sat down on the new banana lounge by the pool while the kids play on the beach with the dogs.
Ahh the serenity. Now to open up my book, soak up some rays and in a moment or two I may pour myself a glass of crisp white wine. Hopefully the kids and dogs keep each other occupied for a few more hours.
Watching - Right now, the sun glistening on the water. Generally, still working my way through Battlestar Galactica.
Reading - Fables
Listening - I'm loving a song a friend sent me by Goyte called 'Someone I Used to Know'.
State of mind - Feeling the balance returning.

I Believe in Magic

The older I get the harder it is to believe in magic. Its quite a sad state of affairs really, because sometimes I think the older you get the more you need to believe in the things you can't see.

We watched this street performer on the weekend and as I watched the amazement in my kids eyes, I saw a feeling I sometimes sorely miss. I was also wondering, how do I be honest and open with my kids and yet let them believe in magic for as long as possible?

I know I'm not alone, in both aspects. I can think of half a dozen people I know that either still believe or wish they believed in magic. And over a dozen parent that ask the same question, how do I manage to prosper my kids belief in all things magical and unexplained.

I don't just mean magic in it's traditional sense. I also mean things like aliens, vampires, Santa, and the Easter bunny?

Last week I was tidying the space under our stairs (also known as mummy's hidyhole) Jack came in to help and saw some of the leftover Easter eggs that I decided not to put out as 'from the Easter bunny'. He looked at them and said "mum did you put the eggs out for our egg hunt at Easter?".

Now part of me didn't want to lie, but more than that I didn't want to tell the truth so I made up some quick story about them being left over from eggs we gave to other people ... Or something like that.

Then later on in the week Jack lost his second tooth. And as another great parenting trial I fell asleep before slipping the tooth from under his pillow and replacing it with a $1 coin. The next morning Jack came in slightly confused. In my ever quick thinking and slightly disturbed by how easily the little lies come kinda way, I made up some story about how sometimes that happens as the tooth fairy gets really busy some nights.

It's coming isn't it? The time where little mistakes or noticed slights of hand can make their entire childhood wonder and innocence just slip away.

I for one hope it lasts for a good while yet. I'm not ready to watch the wonder and amazement slowly slip from their eyes. I hope I can find words like my parents found that prolongs it for as long as possible.

And if not at least I'm quick thinking enough to come up with a plausible story.

Watching - Battlestar Galactica (remake series) somehow I don't think I ever watched the last three episodes!!

Reading - a lot of comics, Fray (reread), Buffy series 8, and Fables so far.

Listening - having a bit of a James Blake obsession at the moment. It sort of matches my mood, sombre and romantic.

State of mind - getting there, slowly.

The Gifts of Grief

When mum died I received a letter from a friend who had lost his dad a year earlier. He talked about the process he went though in his grief. Searching for the reasons why, anger at the unfairness of it all, the deep hole of sadness and many other emotions. He then went on to say that a year later he could see that within his grief there were gifts. And that he believed within every persons grief, once it has passed enough that you can see again, there are gifts that give your grief meaning. At first I thought he was mad! I mean how could any good come from the way I was feeling at the time.

But then time passed, everyday I breathed in and out, and walked forward step by step, and the weight of the grief started to get lighter.

One day about a year later I found that letter again and I found that if I looked at the last year I could start to see the gifts that my grief had given me.

Every year I check in with myself and every year I can see what he was talking about. There were things and experiences in my life that mums death and other losses have given me. I have grown in directions that I would never have grown, and made decisions that I may have made differently.

These days if you ask me do I want mum back, I would say yes, but not at the expense of these lesson, experience, personal development and choices I have made because of who I became after mum died.

A beautiful friend and doula client had a baby that was stillborn last week. There are few, if no, comparisons that can be made between loosing a child and loosing a mother. But I have been wondering, is the gifts of grief are one of the few places these losses intertwine?

I hope so. I hope that as this family climb ever so slowly out of the black hole of grief, and breathe in and out, and put one foot in front of the other, they will start to see the light again. I hope that one day, albeit a long time away, they may see that their suffering and grief and the time they had with their babe, too short as it was, brings with it gifts that one day balance out some of the hole loosing their little boy has left in their hearts.