Conversations with a 10 year old.

Talking with Jack about a family we know that have just come back from 6 months traveling around Australia in a bus.

Me: That's something I think about a lot. I'd love for us to travel around Australia for a year. What do you think?
Jack: Mum I've got to be honest, I don't think I've got that in me.
Me: How are we even related?

Dinner Selfies

Jack loves to cook and one of his plans for these holidays was to cook muffins. As with all best laid plans, it didn't happen. Every time we had time, friends would pop in or another activity seemed far more interesting. Tonight he decided to cook dinner.

And OH MY GOSH!!

Him cooking dinner was cool. He had specific ideas about the salad and how to plate it but the best part for me wasn't the eating it was the conversations as I watched and he made. I sat on the bench waiting for bits to be ready and he really openly chatted about so many things.

So tonight's dinner is southern style chicken, kale and potato salad with a balsamic mustard dressing.

I am full to the brim ... And I haven't eaten yet. But my heart and mind over this kid may explode.

FYI Hamish totally cooked dinner with Bec last week. I knew I had no patience left to make Beef Larb. So Bec did it. I kind of regret it now. Next time I'll fight for the time.

FYI Beef Larb probably not the best starter dish but we all chewed out way through it. Except for Hamish.

This Old Man

I don't talk much about my dogs on here.  I have two. The white one: a 13 year old fluffy mid sized mongrel female named Flynn and the brown one: a 15 year old large German shorthaired pointer male named Oscar. 

The reason I haven't talked about them much is because they became 'just dogs'. Before the kids were born every movement, every house we moved to, every holiday, everything was about them. And then I had babies and they were still loved but not everything like they had been. 

And so their watch began. 

They stood by the kids and I as we moved our lives around them. They have at times been a burden of worry and time. But also provided us with so much love and protection they are as much a part of our family as the humans. 

But now they are old ... Not just a little grey but both of them, end of life old. 

She has had some kind of brain event that I think is a stroke.  She is still happy, eating and drinking normally but her tongue doesn't work as well as it used to so she has terrible breath at times and drools more.  Sometimes she goes a bit bonkers for an hour or two and then comes back to her normal self. 

He is covered in lumps. Some are just fatty but some I am sure is cancer. Same as her he is still happy and pain free but he is also quite deaf and blind and as he has gotten older he is far more stubborn. 

Oh and they have both started weeing the bed occasionally in their sleep ... Fun times. 

The thing is I made them two promises. 

1. They would live a good life with us till the end of their days. 

2. Seeing that they were so old already I would do as little intervening as possible. Just making sure they are pain free and happy. 

When looking at selling our house I knew I had to find somewhere that they could live with us. For a moment this looked nearly impossible. Finding houses in this area in my budget meant looking further away from the boys school or in locations that weren't very nice or safe feeling.   But the universe was on our side and we found one that hit all of the buttons for the humans and the dogs.   

So these days I find I have a bit more time for them.  They are more everything than they have been in a long while.  I want to let the lay on the lounge with me, something that was absolutely forbidden for most of their lives. I want to watch them fall asleep with their heads in my lap. I let them stay inside when it's cold even if we are out.  Stroke their velvety soft ears. Kiss them on their noses. Because I can see that this next move will probably be the last house they live in and I just can't imagine what life without these stinky stupid loving protective dogs would be like. 

And so my watch begins. 

The View from Over There

Ok I admit it! Sometimes I am SUCH an only child. I like my stuff to be mine. I can share!! ... when I want to. But I have mini tantrums in my head when people touch my stuff. I can't stand it when the kids use my towel. And my bedroom is a no go zone. But nothing brings out the wrath quite the same way as people in 'my spot'. Even the kids know when I walk in that they should move off my spot and find somewhere else to sit. It's a thing ... And yup I love it.

When we were getting the house ready for open houses we had to have a massive clear up and out. I have a thing for clutter. And an obsession with chairs. In fact in our tiny house we have 5 lounges and 8 other sitting devices.

So to make this tiny house look more spacious we rearranged the lounge room, study and studio to make it all feel like you don't have to dodge furniture to live here. This meant moving one lounge out of the lounge room and moving the other to another spot to highlight how 'huge' (tiny) it was.

After we had finished I suddenly looked at Bec and broke into tears. We had moved everything around and I had suddenly lost 'my spot'. I hadn't even paid attention. Just came in after a hard day's rearranging and boom ... it was gone.

It's been an uncomfortable few weeks. Although we grabbed some bean bags for the kids. The truth is 4 people can't snuggle in and chill on a three person lounge and bean bags just don't cut it.

Today I moved the room back to how it was (upside of having sold it). Well actually I moved my lounge back into its spot and am waiting for Bec to come home to grab the other.

And about an hour ago, I sat back in my spot. I feel renewed and if anyone tries to sit here I'm totally going to spazz out.

Small things right.

The Big Non Event

For 6 weeks I have known that on the 11th of July our home would be going to auction. It is a totally unwanted sale by me but it's time and I know that.

I had these pictures in my head of standing in the sun across the road with most of the neighbors Andrew Bec the kids and listening as we waited and watched people bid on 'The Big Day'. There would be laughter and that would help me hold back my tears and afterward we would pop a bottle of sparkling wine and toast to our lovely house and the people who decided to buy it from us. To the many many happy years and moments we have had here.

But yesterday with what felt like a whisper instead we sold our home.

It was the right decision. Absolutely and unequivocally the right decision. But it feels like a dream, like a mistake. Until I walk outside and see that big red sticker across the board that reminds me, yes it will be someone else's soon.

I decided to stay quiet about the price. This little street has a way of being nosy and in your face but no one asked. And I was glad. But as my neighbor and I sat out the front last night with all the kids having a movie night inside a stranger walked into our street. We smiled at him and said 'it's a dead end' because so many people walk in thinking they can walk out the other way. He looked at us crossly and said 'I know it's a dead end, I came to see the house that sold for $..... today' and then he looked at the sold sticker on the board and said 'was it this? Shit!' And walked out again. I guess it's the universes way of making sure I didn't have to answer the question.

So that's it. I've woken today feeling heavy and like I'm in a dream. I know good things will come, I really do. But for now I'm going to continue walking down my hall touching the walls. Thinking of how every single inch of this house inside and out are places I have touched fixed and loved for 13 years.

From a dream I had, to buying it, to birthing in it, to pulling bits down and putting them back again, to all of the plans, to the boys planning on keeping it forever, to the years of children running and climbing on it, to gatherings with loved ones .... Cheers old house. We have loved you so much. Thank you for keeping us safe.

Conversations at Home

Last night while reading an article about a semi famous persons 10 favorite things.

Me: Monogramed cocktail napkins!! apparently she likes to have them ready for when friends drop by.

Bec: If our friends are lucky we might have a clean T-towel for them to dry their hands.

Me: If they are lucky we will have a box of tissues and not be down to kitchen roll when we run out of toilet paper.

Wondering What?

Keeping a blog is, realistically highly self indulgent. Especially ones like this one. Basically it's a pouring of my brain and life into a virtual diary that I am happy for others to read.

It's also like therapy. It keeps me writing, which keeps me thinking. And often as I think about what I am going to write and make sure it's clear for others to read, my thoughts become clearer.

I asked a friend recently if I should restart my blog and her answer was a resounding 'no'. Then I put it out to a wider audience and although the feelings were mixed, 'yes do it' was the most common response. And as someone wisely said 'I'm obviously not done with it yet'.

Once that was decided I wondered if starting something new and fresh was a good idea. But although everything is so different from when I started this blog. It's all still me. Still us.

So here goes ....

The catchup:

Version 1 of this blog was me, a stay at home mum with two little boys. We lived in a funny little house that I dreamed of renovating and spent a lot of time figuring out how to make this already perfect (to me) house more perfect for us.

Version 2 didn't stay around long. It was 9 posts after a years hiatus. I was entrenched in the derby world. Had started working part time as those little boys were now at school. And I still had high plans to one day start the renovations that were now in black and white.

Version 3 starts today. It's been almost two years since my last post. Am now mother to 9 and 10 year old boys. Their dad and I separated a year and a bit ago and now the boys and I live with my girlfriend Bec. The boys dad and I are selling this lovely house because although we share the boys it's just not something you can do with a house. So the boys Bec and I have signed a lease for a little house not far away that is almost as old as my current place but is blessed with an inside toilet and enough space for two boys and two now ancient dogs.

I still work at my little part time job but do many more hours. It means I can pick up the kids on the days they are with me and knock out more hours when they are with their dad.

I also don't derby anymore. I got hurt, and I got scared of getting hurt again because these days, so much more than before if I get hurt things would become very hard. So after almost three years I have taken a break, for how long I honestly don't know.

Well that's it, for the moment. Post 1 of version 3 of this funny little space which has been a part of my life for 9 years. I hope I find the time and energy to write often. And to keep up with it for a few more than 9 posts. But no promises.

Comfort in Unlikely Arms

Today is a beautiful day. The weather is near perfect and the kids
have been playing outside most of the day.

Hamish just came in and asked to play the computer and I said "no
sweetie, not now but maybe later".

He didn't take it well. He got angry, which seeing he is 7 and his
impulse control is still developing, is normal. He decided to sit
outside and moan about it for a while.

I just came back inside and this was the scene I saw. I can hear
Hamish telling Jack how unfair I am (again perfectly normal for a
little man who feels like I have denied him something he wants) but I
can hear Jack explaining some of the reasons I made my decision and
also that he agrees that sometimes I am unfair but by moaning about it
I'll just get cranky and it won't make me change my mind. (You've got
that right)

Jack is stroking Hamish's hair, and Hamish is snuggling further into
Jack as they have this moment.

Of course in the 20 minutes it has been since the photo was taken they
are bickering again. Like almost all siblings my boys bicker and fight
a lot. But I have seen this today, and I feel so proud of the brothers
they are.

Changing Homes

I'm not a car person. In fact if I ask you what kind of car you have,
I'm probably just looking for you to tell me the colour. Cars are
just tools, they take you from A-B and hopefully are reliable.

This is what I thought I felt. But it seems I am getting a new car and
suddenly I am mourning my current car.

I didn't buy it. One day AB just came home with it as my then current
car was not able to have a baby seat in it. I thought it was a fussy
looking soccer mum car and not at all how I saw myself. But it has
been the most perfect car for our family.

It bought Jack home from the hospital, taken us on many road trips,
been vomited in, shat in, had every manner of spillage in it. It takes
me to work, takes me to friends, it gives me the freedom to do what I
want and need.

I have realized that I LOVE my car. It's perfect. I know exactly how
to drive it in the city, I know it's dimensions perfectly. It's old
and beaten up now. It's paint job is so dodgy after years of being
parked outside and being pooped on by bats that its been a long time
since I felt precious about it. It has NEVER broken down. I can drive
it lazily or fierce. It's so unpretentious and even a bit boring.
It's part of my home.

So apparently even though I don't 'do' cars. I have somehow fallen in
love with this one. This new car has big wheels to fill.

The Plank

This weekend we have the finals of this tournament I've been talking
about. It's going to be a challenge.

We are again playing the Blue Mountains roller derby league to decide
who gets third and who comes fourth. Remember those little super
charged mice I was talking about, so fast, so agile, so strong, yeah
them. And us .... The little team that could ... Or at least tries
their little hearts out. This could be one of those times when 'we
don't win'.

Saying that, a week ago we had a scrimmage against a team that are
newer than us but are also part of the super league of NSW. I was
really nervous ... What if these newbies beat us?

During our joint warm up they were leading the drills and they told us
to plank for a minute.

I hate planking! I hate it because it hurts, it's hard, and I have
never done more than 30 seconds before either falling onto my knees or
completely flattening out on the floor in anger at those making me
even try it. I hate it because I know I can't do it.

I didn't want to look weak in front of this team. I wanted them to
see me as fierce, strong, skillful and completely in control. But now
I had to do the stupid hateful plank and they would see that I am weak
and the mask I was putting on would fall away.

So I started planking. Gritting my teeth and wondering when I would
give up. Wondering when they would see just how unworthy I really was.
My back is the first thing to hurt. This sharp ache that goes right
through my core. Then my arms and thighs starts to burn and I know
it's just moments until I start shaking and fall to the ground looking
every bit as old and unfit as I know I am. The worst part is because
of my failure to be able to do this hateful exercise they may then
think that our whole team is weak!

So I grit my teeth and keep planking, thinking about how much I need
to do this. They call out 20 second...
then 30...
then 20 more to go...
10 more...
And 5, 4, 3, 2, 1!

I had planked for a minute, and no one but me knew how hard it had
been. How every second ticked in slow motion. They would have noticed
had I fallen but they way they saw it planking for a minute was just
an everyday activity for me.

So this Saturday, I'll mentally be planking. And if nothing else I
know that at the end if I mentally plank I will be doing exactly what
I need to be doing. I will be looking fierce, strong, skillful and
completely in control. Win or lose.

By the way we won that scrimmage, impressively so ... Probably wasn't
ALL because of the plank though.