The Pom-Pom Theory

Does anyone remember that day that I had the pom-pom epiphany? 

It's funny you know, I think about it a lot.  That idea that I was ever silly enough to think that I could be these wonderful together loops of wool, when I am, in my natural state obviously a random, colourful, slightly unconventional all the while still being wonderful pom-pom.  That day 5 years ago was  something that was quietly life changing.  Not long afterwards I spoke to my shrink about it and after a few more sessions we both realised that the pom-pom didn't need her anymore.

Well today I had another epiphany.  I am still trying to be those loops of wool…..

See owning being a pom-pom was easy for me when times were smooth, but if life is tough I long, I fight, I turn myself inside out trying to be those glorious loops of wool.

FYI if you are lost and have no idea what the hell I'm talking about you might want to read the above link :)

It's been a challenging time for the last while. My relationship of 15 years broke down, suddenly I had to stand on my own two feet by myself for the first time in my life.  I made a new relationship and had to explore that, not just by myself but with my children.  I started working so much that I had to learn to find balance between work and parenting, needing the children more than the wage, but needing the wage so that I could parent in a place of safety.  I sold a house, and as we all know for me that was more than just selling a house.

Challenging …. on almost every important life level.

And so my natural reaction was to put my head down, my bum up, ride the wave, breathe, walk forward even when I wasn't sure where the road would lead, and pretty much any other analogy you can imagine.  Keep it together, be safe, be calm.

And as I did that, I forgot to be a pom-pom.  Because who want's the fluffy randomness of being a pom-pom when life feels fluffy and random.  Fuck it, I didn't just want I NEEDED to be those damn loops of wool.

And then …. I needed my shrink again.

The expectations and bars I had set for myself were to high, to unachievable, to limiting, to stringent, to measurable.  I forgot to forgive myself the things that I love about the pom-pom … about myself.

I can be messy, impractical, forgetful, stressed, sad, joyous, inappropriate, disorganised.  I can laugh too loud and long, I can cry from the depths of my soul for no reason at all.  I trip, bump, stub, and smack.  I dance and sing whenever wherever I feel it.  I yell and swear and overreact.  I parent from a place of joyous abandon and crazy make it up as I go, never asking if anyone else thought it was ok and if I make mistakes I apologise to them and myself and move on.

Forgetting that has meant more than just forgetting to be myself.  I have put the 'small things' to one side.  I have been terrible in keeping up old friendships, I have actively given myself barriers against any new friendships.  I stopped derby because that kind of dedication was beyond me.  I stopped writing, singing, drawing, reading.  Communication that required a thought out response took me days. Plucking my eyebrows became a luxury.  And if I'm really honest, sometimes I was too busy keeping it all together to remember to laugh with the boys.

Those who love me understood but also became further away.  Not because they wanted to but because sometimes you just can't keep being the only one trying to stay together.

I hope todays epiphany helps me rebalance.
I hope I remember just exactly what kind of mum I want to be.
I hope my friends are still open to me.
I hope that talking with my shrink takes out the 'I hope' and turns it into the 'I will'.
I hope I find my pom-pom again.

Big Brother Being

It's hot. For the some of us who revolt at the winter months, this weekend has been a god send.

Sure it's come with extra bugs in the house and needing to remember where the sunscreen is, searching for the clothes you wore last summer and thinking, what the hell was I thinking. But it's awesome. And for relief it also comes with trips to the pool.

This afternoon after school we packed the kids and a friend up and headed down to our favourite pool for our first early evening cool off for the year.

After a lovely dip I jumped out and lay down in the shade watching them play and jump and splash. I grabbed my book and started reading. As a side note oh my how lovely it is now that everyone can swim comfortably and I only need to look up every 5 minutes not every 5 seconds.

After I'd read a whole 5 pages I lifted my head to put my eyes on the boys. And straight away I saw Jack. He was bouncing around at the top end of the pool but seemed perplexed. Then I saw Hamish and the friend at the other end. 1..2..3 all accounted for.

But I didn't put my nose straight back into my book, I looked back at Jack wondering what he was doing.

And then I realized, he couldn't see his brother. He was bouncing to get a better look at the heads in the pool trying to see where he was. Finally he caught him in his sights, relaxed, and slowly paddled around by himself again. He didn't rush up to play with him. He just needed to know he was ok so he could go back to what he was doing.

It's another one of those 'raising siblings' things that as an only child my brain can't process. I felt in equal amounts, pride and concern.

Proud that he is the kind of brother that wants to care for his little brother. The kind of person that at 10 and being in the middle of something he is enjoying still thinks of others. And concern that that want to care is stopping him being able to be carefree.

It's normal, I know that, but understanding that sense of responsibility at such a young age is foreign to me and leaves me with so many questions.

Will this tendency help him in life, yeah probably, but I find myself wondering, will it also hold him back? Will he learn the balance between giving, but not so much he gives more than he should? Will he resent that he feels this way? Will he retaliate at some point as he breaks free from a pressure he may feel? Will he notice that his little brother doesn't have the same need to make sure he is ok? If he does will he resent that? Or is it just maybe a totally natural normal healthy and lovely part of being the older brother?

It takes a village they say, to raise a child. I didn't ever think that maybe part of my village would be him.

Conversations with a 10 Year Old

Bedtime is one of my favourite parts of the day. It's the time my 10 and 9 year olds become little snuggly babies again. They want to talk. And not about what we did today but deep beautiful talking. Last night they wanted to talk about when they were born and I happened to mention that when they were babies I used to wonder about what kind of kids they were.

Jack: Well what kind of kids did you think we would be?

Me: It's hard to remember but I can tell you one thing, and maybe all parents think this. When you were babies I didn't ever imagine that if you weren't my kids and I met you at 10 and 9 I'd think you were really cool. What makes me so happy is that even if you weren't my kids, I'd still want to be your friends. I don't just love you to the moon and back, I like you both, I like the kids you are and the men you are becoming.

Jack: The thing is mum, I don't think other parents think that and if they do they should make sure they say it.

The Art of Being Alone

One of my favorite times of the year are the school holidays. They are filled with lazy mornings. Interesting chats. And doing things that we usually don't find the time to do during the busy term.

But there is a downside.

There are often days of arguing between the kids as they spend so much extra time with each other. They will be sitting quietly doing something together and then suddenly out of the blue they are running through the house screaming my name as someone did something to the other and normally it comes to a head with someone getting an 'accidental' foot to the face.

Once I have soothed things (often with kisses and ice packs) they find each other again. And then soon after ... They are running through the house screaming my name as another accidental foot to the face. At some point I find myself yelling at them "separate and find something else to do".

And they do for all of five minutes before we start the whole process again.

Yesterday was one of those days. And after the crying had finished I had an epiphany.

See doing things by myself has always been pretty easy for me. I'm an only child and learnt early how to be alone and entertain myself. But they have always had each other. They had never learnt the art of being alone.

So today we try something new.

I got them to write out some things they could do by themselves that didn't include devices or tv or me or each other.

And in rotation today they are spending time doing these things. Then we are doing an activity together. And then they can do whatever they want (probably screen time). These are all happening in equal proportions and we will be doing it all day.

So far we have played a game of scrabble together. Now it is alone time. The first thing they did was both go outside. One to play with their ball the other to practice on their skateboard. I could hear them chatting away. And although the mood was light it defeated the purpose. So reminded them that one of the rules is separate spaces.

The big one decided to go to his room to read for a bit. And the little one decided to cook us a meal.

I don't know if this will work. But as I say to the boys my first job as a mum is to love them. And my second job is to teach them. To teach them the skills they need for life. To make them healthy men and productive citizens. Today I am hoping to teach them how to be alone.

Upside is we have just completed the first alone hour. Energy here is calm. Although I just got served a raw chicken schnitzel 1/2 a chopped up apple and a mandarin at 9am my hopes are high.

Note: the above photo is not mine. Tiff took it and it is one of my all time favorites of the boys.

Tit for Tat

I gave the real estate agent the keys. The real estate agent gave me a bottle of wine. Seems fair.

And I guess it is.

Funny how the mind processes things. I'm not at all a materialistic person but moving on from this house is continuing to be a bit of a struggle. I won't bore you with the details but let's just say that this morning as I went to the house for the last time all I could think was:

I WANNA COME HOME

I wandered around for about 5 minutes feeling all teary and pathetic and then someone knocked on the door. It was the new owner. So to add to my already slightly pathetic demeanor, I grabbed her gave her a massive teary cuddle and said 'welcome to your new home'.

We then wandered around while I talked about the house and the street. Introduced her to the joys of outside toilets and holes in the ceiling. Mostly I told her how special the place that was very soon (6 hours to be precise) going to be hers was.

She asked a lot of questions and then if it was ok that she and I have a photo together out the front of the house that she would send to me. I smiled and hugged her for the photo. Inside I didn't feel much like smiling but I was glad to have met her and even felt pleased to hear how much she was looking forward to the house.

The real estate agent arrived and she handed me a bottle of wine and I handed her the keys. She watched me lock it up, making sure I couldn't get back in and we all drove away.

So now 6 hours later it is no longer mine. Settlement happened 30 minutes ago and I still wanna go home.

But it will pass and this will be my last sad sack house post. Tomorrow it's all about the new place and the life we are building here. Or maybe the blog could take a break in talking about houses in general. Either way, today the real end has happened and the next phase actually begins.

So Long and Thanks for all the Fish

This morning I sit in the sun with my cup of coffee. I'm listening to the birds and the dogs quietly snoring in the sun. The kids playing, my neighbour talking and the rumble of the traffic. It's a beautiful day and I am so very sad. 

Tomorrow morning bright and early a bunch of friends will be here, we will pop a bottle of champaign and toast to a day that will be hard work, physically for them and emotionally for me. 

Tomorrow we move ....

Last night I made us sleep with the doors to the balcony open. I have always loved hearing the quiet moans of the city as I sleep on hot summer night. But there are no more nights left for us here.

The new place will be lovely but I am allowing myself this day to just feel totally and utterly mournful. I am paying attention to everything. 

The drip of the shower sounds like the most wonderful of sounds. The cracks in the walls look like intricately perfected designs ... Today everything looks perfect and beautiful and mine. Because tomorrow my home is no longer my home and a week from now I won't even be able to walk in the door. 

Yes home is where the heart is and as long as those boys are with me it will be my home but it won't be this home. This home that I have loved and worked on, dreamed in and of, spent 1000s of hours cocooned inside its walls. Feeling safe. And comforted. 

And no matter how much I cry or how loud the voice inside my head begs for it not to be true .... Tomorrow we move .... 

And the Winner is ...

Yesterday was a good day. We all drove up to Avalon to see the best evil step mother in the world. Had a bite to eat and then afterwards we popped to the park to let the kids run of some energy.

Bec came up with a game to help them exhaust themselves. The kids had to run an obstacle course that entailed running down the hill and stairs, around the bins, over the climbing frame at the park, and back up the hill.

The boys had two goes and then they asked me to have a go. So I did.

Now there are two things about me that the older I get the more I have to realize. Although I think it's something that those who know me well have known for a while.

1. I don't like to loose
2. I especially don't like to loose to the kids.

1/2 of it is an only child thing I think and the other is also that I'm just not ready for the kids to overtake me .... yet.

So all dressed up for lunch I stood on top of the hill ready to go. It wasn't until later that I though, jeez that probably looked pretty insane to all of the other parents in the park who were chatting over coffees in their sports clothes. Watching me belt down the hill, climb over the climbing frame and run about as fast as I ever have up the hill all so I could beat an 8 and 10 year old at their own game.

But who cares. The above photo is of Bec and I celebrating my beating the kids not once but twice.

Could I breathe ... Nope
Did I want to vomit ... Yep
Did I win .... Yeah baby I did, twice!

My 'mummy is the strongest, fastest, hilarious and most outlandish mummy in the world' persona is still standing strong.

Lounge Suit

I love a chair ...

Actually let me be clearer, I love a free chair. You know those random chairs you see on the side of the road with a leg missing? I'm probably going to pull over and have a look to see if I can make it work.

Especially lounges. Oh my how I love a lounge (free lounge).

People have them going for free when they move, they are on the side of the road, they are at Vinnies for $20 and all I think is 'ohhhh I'm sure I can make that work, we don't really need that desk/wardrobe/bed.

Until 4 weeks ago when one finally made its way into a skip, my teeny little house had 5 lounges. And a few months before that, for a short time, I had 6.

So let's be clear, I know I don't need another lounge.

But last week there was a person from an online group I am part of giving away a lounge. It was awesome and exactly what I wish at least 1 of my lounges looked like. So I said I would take it. By the time she saw my response she had contacted a charity and they were going to take it. I figured 'they need it a lot more than me, so that's great'.

Then yesterday she messaged me and said 'hey do you still want that lounge'. WOOT!!!

I got the messages a few hours after it was sent but as soon as I saw it I replied that yes I still wanted it and could she remind me what it looked like (ok yes I have a lounge problem).

I waited by the phone and finally the response came through.

'Oh sorry I've given it to someone else'

SERIOUSLY!!

So my lesson in this, if someone offers you a free lounge and then takes it away and then offers it again and then takes it away AGAIN, you probably don't need another lounge and the universe is telling you to get over it or get help.

Still .... Anyone got a lounge they are getting rid of let me know.

Conversations with a 10 year old.

Talking with Jack about a family we know that have just come back from 6 months traveling around Australia in a bus.

Me: That's something I think about a lot. I'd love for us to travel around Australia for a year. What do you think?
Jack: Mum I've got to be honest, I don't think I've got that in me.
Me: How are we even related?

Dinner Selfies

Jack loves to cook and one of his plans for these holidays was to cook muffins. As with all best laid plans, it didn't happen. Every time we had time, friends would pop in or another activity seemed far more interesting. Tonight he decided to cook dinner.

And OH MY GOSH!!

Him cooking dinner was cool. He had specific ideas about the salad and how to plate it but the best part for me wasn't the eating it was the conversations as I watched and he made. I sat on the bench waiting for bits to be ready and he really openly chatted about so many things.

So tonight's dinner is southern style chicken, kale and potato salad with a balsamic mustard dressing.

I am full to the brim ... And I haven't eaten yet. But my heart and mind over this kid may explode.

FYI Hamish totally cooked dinner with Bec last week. I knew I had no patience left to make Beef Larb. So Bec did it. I kind of regret it now. Next time I'll fight for the time.

FYI Beef Larb probably not the best starter dish but we all chewed out way through it. Except for Hamish.