She Did Not Wear White

She is standing at the doors of the chapel, looking down past the pews filled with people, at him waiting for her.  Her son is holding her arm, ready to walk her down the isle, she looks at him and thinks about how handsome he looks in his suit.  She is glad that he doesn't look like his father, she can look at him and not remember the hard years she spent with the wrong man.  She is not wearing white, he is not her first, but she believes that he will be her last.

She has been thinking about this day for months, maybe even years. She walks slowly and dares to look at the faces staring at her in the crowd, friends and family and people she barely knows.  She thinks about the choice of flowers, about the words she is going to say and she looks at him, waiting for her.

He always waited for her, even within the arguments that would raise the roof, he was slow to rise and easy to placate and as she stormed and ranted he sat quietly and waited for a break in the storm, where he could come and kiss away her anger and fears.

She walked slowly, and the fear set in, in her mind she thought over the what if's, and the how to's, she wondered if she could change her mind, if she could bargain her way out, but then she looked, and saw him and knew that her heart was waiting before her, she had loved him for many years and would love him for the rest of her life.

She let go of her sons hand, walked towards him and gently placed her hand on him, then she walked to the podium and looked at the crowd and said simply, with tears rolling down her cheeks;

"There is so much I could say, but time will not allow the retelling of a life lived to the full, so I will simply say, I'll miss you all the days of my life, I love you, drive safely my love"

A Month of Blessingways

The last two weekends, I was lucky enough to be a part of two blessingways.  The first was for a beautiful woman that I know who has honored me by asking me to support her in her homebirth at the end of next month.  It was a really special day, there were lots of women and children making it a lovely, nurturing and chaotic space.  Beautiful food, husbands popping in and out as kids needed but generally staying outside, we drank chai, bound our wrists with red cord, told our stories, and chanted before we hennaed her belly and served her food.

Last weekend it was my beautiful friend Sarit's day who is also due at the end of the month.  This was a calmer day and a real women's circle, we all gave her our blessings and a bead for a birthing necklace and a flower to go in a wreath for her to wear throughout the ceremony, we drank wine and chai, bellydanced and sung in a circle and also hennaed her belly and served her food.

Both reminded me what soul food a women's circle can be, its something I love to do, it feel like such a safe space, even when you don't know all the people involved and the more you are able to release and really get into it, the more enjoyable it is

I took some photos of both blessingway's but the first was using her camera so that I can be accustomed to it before the birth, so I have only attached photos of Sarit.  

Sarit, putting on her wreath of flowers

Close-up of the wreath

Sarit getting ready to show us some of her bellydancing moves, look at that divine belly ... it made me incredibly clucky

In the middle of our Bellydancing tutorial

Trish had started painting the henna on her belly, when my camera battery ran out

Withdrawal

We sit here, waiting .......
The noise buzzing and shuffling around us
While we sit here, waiting .......
Strange, delightful and disturbing smells drift pass
The occasional bang or clamor from down the hall
But like cattle in a stall we are waiting ........

For our coffee

For the Love of a Soundtrack

I'm a soundtrack lover.  Of all the albums on my play list its the soundtracks that I like the most.  I love the way that they take me on a journey in a way that your average album does not and I also love that they often introduce me to music I would never usually listen to.  So I decided that I would post my favourite soundtracks, the ones that really cover both of the above points. (in no particular order)

1. Dusk Till Dawn - what I love about this is that there are so many artists that I would never listen to if it wasn't for the way they fit within this album, ZZ Top being the most obvious, with Jon Wayne singing Texas Funeral (not the actor) not far behind.

2. The Blues Brothers - come on its a classic, you've got Aretha Franklin, Ray Charles, James Brown and the Blues Brothers all in one album, plus Cab Calloway singing 'Minnie the Moocher' what's not to love !!!

3. A Life Less Ordinary - Surprised?? I know I was but as I was listening I realised that out of all of them this soundtrack really takes me through a journey, the soundtrack is the same as the film, its quirky, dark and doesn't fit together quiet right and that's what makes it so good.

4. O Brother Where Art Thou - For someone who would say they are not that fond of Country music and is an atheist it might surprise you that this makes it on my list, but I love the Blues and Gospel so really its fits in pretty well, plus 3 of the songs from this soundtrack are lullaby's that I sing my boys so it holds a special place in my heart.

5.  Pulp Fiction - The best thing about this album is the way they jog your memory of the placement of the song within the movie by adding some of the best quotes, plus the music is pretty cool; Al Green - Lets Stay Together, and Maria McKee - If Love is a Red Dress (Hang me in Rags) are two of my favourites.

6. Empire Records - This is one of my favourites, not entirely sure that its not mostly because I want to work in that record shop but either way I do think that its a great soundtrack, the only let downs were that it wasn't the movie version of the song 'Sugarhigh' that has Renee Zellweger singing on the rooftop and it is also missing the Flying Lizards version of 'Money' originally by the Beatles.

7. Reality Bites - Speaks for its self really, it was probably one of the first times I watched a movie and thought wow I have to have that soundtrack.  The classic being 'My Sharona' which brings back memories of them all dancing in the service station, and then there is U2, Ethan Hawke, Lenny Kravitz, and a lot of other great artists.

8.  Tank Girl - This is up there as one of my top 3.  Its got Bjork, Devo, Ice-T and Portishead just for starters and the Joan Jett and Paul Westerberg version of  'Lets Do It (lets Fall In Love)' is brilliant.

9.  The Crow - Its an amazing soundtrack, the music is generally a bit heavy but then the movie was so dark that of course the music has to be.  The mixture of Stone Temple Pilots, Pantera and Jane Siberry is a fantastic mood creator plus who wouldn't love The Cure - Burn

10.  Reservoir Dogs - Full of great music and some very memorable quotes this definitely deserves a place in the top 10.

And the supplementary is;

Juno - Its a lovely soundtrack with some beautiful songs its also quirky like the movie, my personal favourite is Cat Power - Sea of love, made even more memorable by the scene that the song appears in.

Bohemian Rhapsody Old Computer Remix

Anyone who owned an computers in the 80s will love this version of Queen'sBohemian Rhapsody as played by an old scanner, floppy drive and Atari and TI computers.

Maybe they have to much time on their hands but either way its an interesting way to spend that time :)

This to Shall Pass

A friend of mines husband died today.  He was diagnosed with cancer last year, it was quiet advanced when they found it and there was nothing that they could do but wait.  He was in his 70s and he died in his own bed, after spending some of the last hours of his life in bed with his wife while they held hands and talked about their past. 

I wrote the following just after we found out that he was terminal, I wanted to repost it

Go Gently Friend xx

Til Death

She knows he is dying
Standing strong by his side
Hysteria tearing at her insides
He looks at her
With his soft grey eyes
Wishing he could take it away
Hoping she will stay
This is their life, their journey
No one knows how it will end
Except that she will stay
And he will not

Don't Panic

We are ready for the apocalypse.

(mind you if either of them start walking round saying "are you my mummy" I'll have a heart attack)

A Day to Remember

Today was one of those amazing days, the morning was crazy as I jumped from second hand store to second hand store looking for a Queen sized bed frame, only to find one in the store 10 doors down.  But in our scrounging we found a little bike with 2 wheels and peddles (all of which looked like they came from other broken bikes) for $10.

Jack has been using a 2 wheel bike for a while but it is one of those bikes that has no peddles and teaches them to balance, the idea being that they go straight from that to a regular bike without training wheels.  When we talked about getting a bike with peddles he was a bit scared, he talked about worrying that he wasn't big enough to try yet and maybe he would wait until he was 5.

Then today when we brought the little $10 bike he decided that we should try and use it.  Once we got to the park he was a bit dubious again, but I told him that he was clever and big and if he didn't like it we didn't need to ride it again until he felt he wanted to.

So he sat on it and I ran across the field with him a few times but I could see that he was having trouble on the grass so I asked him if he felt that he wanted to try it on the concrete, he was scared that he would fall and I told him I would run beside him and catch him if he went to fall.

I only ran with him for about 5 minutes before he told me I was to slow and he wanted to get off the large concrete square and ride around the bike track.

And so I kept running, as he steered like a little boy who had been riding for weeks, he figured out how to use the brake but was still learning how to start off by himself.

Then Andrew turned up and talked a bit more about how to put your foot on the high peddle and push off with the other foot.

And after about an hour he got the hang of it.

He was so excited he rose around the bike track for over 2 hours, over speed humps, up hills, steering around all the other kids.

I was so proud that my face hurt from smiling, it wasn't that he could ride a bike or even that he accomplished what he set out to do, it was that he was brave and tried something he was scared to do, he was so proud of himself as well, telling me that he thought it would be scary and that once "he tried it, he liked it" (thanks Yo Gabba Gabba)

Keeping it Simple

The last week or so I have been working on getting the content for my doula website organized.  I have realised that it will be a an arduous journey because as I research what to put on the website, it leads me to think not only about how I want to present myself but also about what information I would like people to be able to access on the website and also what services I want to offer.

It's the what services to offer that has had me going round in circles for the last few days.  There are so many cool things that I would like to be able to offer, what to pick? what can I say I can do, but actually have no qualifications for? what if I have experience but no paperwork? Do they cost extra, or are they covered in my doula cost? Is there a market for it? Could it be a service I offer for non doula clients? And round and round and round.....

For example a few of the things that I am thinking of is;

• Photography, both pregnancy and labour/birth (obviously not professional quality, and I REALLY want a new camera)
  
• Massage, again both in pregnancy and labour/birth
  
• Infant massage
  
• Infant settling ideas
  
• Breastfeeding support
  
• Placenta printing and/or encapsulation
  
• Sling support, and reselling
  
• Gifts for clients
  
• Rebozo technique for pregnancy and labour
  
• Postnatal doula services (cleaning, cooking, childminding, general household chores)
  
• Extra prenatal or postnatal visits
  
• Belly casting
  
• Henna belly painting
  
• Blessingway organisation and/or attendance
  

And they are just the ones I can remember late at night.  Its an interesting process and even if its slow and laborious I'm learning as I go so its worthwhile.  At some point in the future I plan on sending out an email to all of my wonderful women friends to ask what they think, would want, could imagine, etc so keep an eye out (it could be a while)

PS anyone willing to donate a placenta so I can practice encapsulation let me know *grin* 

Traveling with Kids

Last night while enjoying a bottle of wine, some friends, Andrew and I were discussing travel with children, particularly overseas travel has to be one of those things that makes most parents cringe;

*Hour upon hour stuck in a plane with bored children
*Screwing with sleep cycles
*Food that is not to their liking
*Unsafe water
*Museum/temple/art gallery visits with overstimulated kids
*Gosh just the amount of luggage/snacks/miscellaneous flotsam that kids seem to need is enough to turn anyone off.

There are a few things I wished I had have done pre-kids, I wish I owned a motorbike as my main mode of transport, I wish I had partied a bit harder, I wish I had immersed myself more in some of my interests, and mostly I wish I had travelled more.  As they say hindsight is 20/20.

There are very few places in this world I don't want to see and the idea of travelling to some of the more exotic places with the children seems scary.  How will we be able to DO the things single people do when they go overseas? what if they get sick? how will we manage the day to day raucous that is two children while we are in places that are unfamiliar, when it seems hard enough to do it in our own home?

I got a great and thought provoking email from a woman I know recently, she had just gotten back from Istanbul with her partner and two children (8 & 4) I asked her how she found travelling with her children.   She talked about all of the travel she and her family had done since they had children, they have been to something like 30 countries with them and said that the key for her was 'expectations'.

The way you do your travel has to be altered to fit in with the children and their capabilities, its no use expecting a 3 year old to quietly walk around a museum for hours or to cope with the 'rush to see everything' mentality that we usually have when we travel, we have to plan to slow our wants down, read the children's queues and potentially miss out on some things because today the children are not going to cope with a 4km walk to the top of a mountain to see the most beautiful sunset in the world.

It really made me think, what do I hope to achieve when I travel, do I want to read the guide book and take in all the sights? or do I just want to get a feel for the country? What if that means we miss the Louvre or don't climb to the top of the Eiffel tower because today all the kids can handle is cafes and walks by the river or even chilling out in the hotel room for the day watching some DVDs? When you only do one big trip every few years, will we be satisfied if we don't 'see it all'?

To be honest I don't know! The only thing I feel like I know, is that I don't want to not go because I'm scared of the hard times, I don't want to feel like any travel we are going to do will be a chore where we are dragging the kids round to do adult activities when really what I hope to achieve is just to go and see, and smell.  Sure I want to go climb that mountain (maybe not literally) walk through that temple, but the final question is do I want to do that without my children? the answer is a resounding no, and so I hope that when we do go overseas we will be happy to feed the ducks instead of climbing the Eiffel tower, and maybe if the planets are aligned we can do both.

Its Official !!

After just under 18 months I have finally finished my doula certification Yippee !!!!! I've been really busy with it in the last few weeks and I am also getting together client information and website content so you will have to excuse my lackadaisical approach to the blog over these past weeks.

As a celebrations I'm going to link to a birth video I saw today, its not very graphic and it perfectly shows how peaceful birth can be.  Ok so birth is not always or even often like this and I'd like to know if she has done some hypnobirthing type preparation, but despite the staging its real and she peacefully brought her child into the world.  So watch her keeping her jaw loose as she 'sings' her way through contractions .... remember loose jaw loose vagina :)

Holiday for a Day

The Face of 40

Its Andrews birthday weekend, yesterday we had his 'once was a surprise' birthday party that a sweet friend of ours unknowingly mentioned last weekend and so it wasn't really a surprise after all.  It was a really lovely day, almost everyone we love and care about came, the venue was easy with the kids and the food and drink was tasty and abundant.  Its amazing to me that my life partner is now 40 ...... 40! When did that happen, when did we get old, so do we now need to talk about superannuation, financial portfolios, and all those other serious grown up things .....

Today we woke up as daylight saving ended and went down to the beach by about 10am with some friends, our kids all playing together beautifully in the water, sitting around chatting eating and generally chilling out, as we walked back to our cars we commented on how a lazy relaxing day by the beach feels like you are on holidays and it felt like we should be wandering back to our beach huts putting the kids to bed and then sitting back enjoying a cocktail.  Still if you can't get away, a day like today refreshes the soul.

Doctor Who Planet of the Dead Trailer

Its going to be a long year without a Doctor Who season, but to tide us all over there are a few specials this year (4 I think)  here is the trailer to the second for the year, Planet of the Dead.

If you have seen the movie 'Pitch Black' with Vin Diesel (before he was famous) then maybe you will see the similarities .....

Still, its new, its Doctor Who, it would be very hard for me not think think its awesome (in the traditional sense of the word)

Its being aired in the UK on easter Saturday no date yet for the air date in Australia.  Oh and if your thinking the women looks familiar, yes that is the actress that played the 'Bionic Woman' (Michelle Ryan) with a very funked up new look

Conversations with a 4 year old

This week I have started on my school freakout again, I'm pretty sure this will be a common thing until Jack has settled in and is happy in whatever decision we make.  While I was reading, thinking and writing on the topic I decided to take a break and ask Jack what he thinks

Me: Jack, you know next year you will be going to school, how do you feel about that?

(pause)

Me: I mean do you feel excited, interested, sad, scared what do you think that school will be like?

Jack: I feel .... happy and mumma and one kid might call me an underpants, but thats ok ... 

Sometimes I think the worlds problems could be solved by four year olds