Last night the boys slept in bed together and for the first time they both slept through the night without me. Jack slept for 9 hours with me waking him to wee when I went to bed and Hamish slept for 7. After 4 1/2 years of being woken multiple times a night, you think I'd be over the moon, and part of me is, but the other part is a little freaked out.
This month seems to be about the children moving onto the next stage and me feeling like my time as a mother of very young children is passing. We are looking at schools for Jack, Hamish is barely breastfeeding any more, Jack is also going through a bit of a rebellious testosterone driven stage and now they are sleeping without me. All good and normal stuff, I logically know this and have been repeating this mantra in my head all month but still scary, foreign and a little sad.
I love being a mother to young children, I love almost everything that comes with it, breastfeeding, babywearing, singing to sleep, fitting on my lap, baths together, giggles, loving mummy like I am all there is in the world, I didn't even mind the nappies. Sure there were hard parts, lots of them, but as a whole it was an amazing ride.
What comes next is unknown, and I'm sure in different and wonderful ways it will be fulfilling and beautiful, but for the moment I need a little time to start grieving the baby and toddler stage.
I won't miss the frequent waking or the way that being sleep deprived affected the way I felt about myself and the way I mothered, I won't miss the tantrums that no amount to patience, words or anger seemed to fix, I wont miss the babywearing until I felt my back and legs could hold me no more, or the long car rides with distraught babies, mostly I won't miss the disconnection from Andrew because we always had a baby either physically or figuratively in between us.
And so I will pine for a while, maybe a long while, maybe in some ways for the rest of my life, for the relationship between mother and baby, for being needed (a lot) and for the closeness that the boys and I have that will change as they grow. And today while I am happy for the sleep and the closeness that the boys have with each other that means they are content to sleep together, I still feel a little sad for the passing of my babies as they move into the next stage and I wonder what will that mean for me.......
Jack and I when I was 8 months pregnant
Hamish, not letting go of mummy's leg
The kids at a party last weekend, thats Jack with the orange pants on and yes that is Hamish hanging upside down about 4 meters off the ground.