Stop Right Where You Are!

Today as I was pondering over what to do with two new school shirts I bought that I think are too small for Jack, Hamish said to me "it's ok mummy, just keep them till I start school next year". My initial reaction was to laugh and then I realized ... Holy cow!! He's right.
My little man is starting school in less than nine months! It's made me feel like I want to relive that whole nine months in, nine month out idea that is talked about a lot in early parenting.
For those that haven't heard about it, it's the idea that after being pregnant for nine months, you give the baby nine months to get used to the outside world but doing things like feeding on demand and being in physical contact by baby wearing etc. It's basically the idea that you let the child learn separation from mummy in a similar time frame to pregnancy.
I'm not as panicked about school this time as I was with Jack at the same countdown point but I do want to try and make sure I soak up the last of the time I have my baby home with me. I do want to hold him a little tighter tonight as I have become aware that soon he will be moving to the next stage of development ... The one where I have to let go a little.
Saying that he is going to be so ready for school! He is already enjoying the direction and guidance from the preschool teachers. And in the last few weeks he has started sounding out words like cat, cold, hot, mummy and little. He asked me to help him read like Jack reads a reader every night. So I asked Jack's teacher if I could borrow a few of the lowest level of reader and now every night he is reading us these basic books. He can count to 100, and knows what the numbers up to 100 look like when written. But more than just the educational parts of school he has also spent a lot of time in the last few months trying to make well balanced friendships, working on learning to follow directions (mine, his brothers, preschools and friends) and just basically trying to learn to be a more calm and helpful little boy.
And it's working! This little man who has been ... Umm ... difficult, irrational, emotional, manic, wildly and passionately loving, and full of more ups and downs than anyone I have ever met, is trying.
My heart sings for him and for me. Firstly I can't quite imagine how much nicer it must be for him to feel in control of himself more often. It's certainly more relaxed in our home. And although if he's tired, or over stimulated we can have nutty moments .... Well let's be honest we all have those and if we expect our children to survive ours then the least they can expect is for us to ride theirs out with them.
So anyway I digress, nine months in? At almost 5? I think it can be done and in a way I think both of us need it to be done. I wish I could tell time to 'stop right where you are' for a moment, before the real countdown to school begins. I hope the next nine months goes slowly. I hope we can find the time and energy to nurture each other a bit more and have these last nine months continue the way the beginning of this year started. Let the countdown begin!!
Watching - The new Doctor Who eps
Listening - Whatever comes up when I pick shuffle on my iPhone
Reading - Decided to finish reading Zombies vs Unicorns'
State of mind - Pretty chilled considering AB is away, feeling a bit more besotted with my kids than usual and generally pretty damn content with the life I have. Ahh the bliss!! :)

Glinda The Good Witch

I mentioned in my mother's day post that I knew Andrew, on behalf of Hamish, had brought me a ring. It's garish, and slightly tacky, sparkly and absolutely perfect.
I have been wearing it every chance I get and being huge, tacky and extremely shiny, people can't help but notice and comment.
Oh how I love it!!
Watching - Love and other drugs, pretty cute rom-com.
Listening - Children bickering (lord give me strength).
Reading - On page one of The City and The City by China Melville.
State of mind - Mostly relaxed, slightly aware that with Andrew away for the week this will probably change. But feeling good about the fact that this is no longer something that is so terrifying I contemplate going to bed and waiting it out with my head under the covers.

Dance The Way I Feel

When was the last time you danced till you felt you couldn't dance anymore? Till you were hot and sweaty? Till your muscles ached and your feet hurt? Till you felt that dancing bug was completely sated?

Dancing is one of those things that can invigorate the body, done right it is one of those rare times when you feel completely free. But what does 'done right' mean? I'm certainly no candidate for 'So You Think You Can Dance' so what I mean is, when was the last time you danced like no one was watching? Like you were completely at one with the music and  were able to move your body the way the music makes you feel?

I'm guessing for most of you (and for me) it's been a loooong time. The truth is that most people stop dancing at some point. Maybe you've lost your interest in clubs and rave parties. Maybe you just lost the time to do these things. Maybe you've got no interest in dancing alone. Maybe you don't have the interest in dancing with others.  Whatever the reason, unless your completely motivated to keep up dancing, it seems to be of those things people stop doing regularly or at all.

On the weekend I had an epiphany, there is nothing better for my state of mind and soul than to dance the way I feel.  After a few glasses of wine a friend and I put on some boppy music and started prancing around her lounge room. We danced till we were sweaty, and exhausted. We danced until we forgot we were together and started dancing like no one was watching, moving like our bodies like we were part of the music. 


In short it was amazing!!! 


We didn't need a night club, or a rave party, we probably didn't even need the few glasses of wine (although I'm sure they helped feel comfortable enough to be so silly at the beginning) all we needed was music, and courage and we danced, and danced, and danced. In fact we danced till almost 3am in the morning. I woke and my whole body ached and my mind felt like I had meditated for hours.

It reminded me of a friend who recently mentioned that they were thinking of joining a club that his friend is part of. I wish I could remember more about it. But from what I do remember the whole point of this club wasn't drinking and picking up or anything to do with night clubs. This was more in line with a knitting club or a bike riding club. This was dancing to achive a version of nirvana.  A place to release, without feeling watched. A place to dance the way you feel.


I might need to call him and find out more about it because dancing alone (but not alone) in the lounge room was the most fun and mental relaxation I've had in a long time.


Watching - The Neil Gaiman written Doctor Who .... heaven in a blue box


Reading - Ray Bradbury - The day it rained forever


Listening - A whole lot of boppy music, favs for the night included Nirvana, Adrian Lux, The Gossip and Florence and the Machine.


State of mind - Ready to do it all again

One Tooth Down

Today Jacks wobbly tooth finally came out. After lots of wiggling and fiddling at my request, he decided it was time to give it a proper pull and pop, one tooth down.
Funny how these mummy moments make me all teary and proud and sad all at the same time. Jack on the other hand was immensely proud of himself and wanted to call daddy (who is in Melbourne on business) straight away.

Saying that I just got all snuggled into bed and was about to turn the light out when I realised that I had forgotten to swap the tooth for the donation from the tooth fairy. Gosh it's really the small details that's hard to keep track of when your parenting solo.

Watching - crankily I've just finished the remake of the UK show Survivors without realising not only did they only make two seasons but they left the second season as a cliff hanger. Grrr

Reading - Game play walkthroughs for some hidden object/puzzle apps I downloaded. (I may have a gaming addiction ... Is there a support group for that?)

Listening - to weird bumps in the night? Why do household night sounds sound so much more ominous when your home alone? Not helped by the fact that as a babysat for a friend last night a book jumped a meter off the bookshelf and into the floor. The child (bless) said he thought it was the wind which outwardly I agreed with but kept a lookout for weird cat behavior for the rest of the night (you know, cause cats have that whole sixth sense thing). Of course the cat then thought it was hilarious to grab a sock and run back and fourth around the house with it in her mouth. It was a whole great kids, creepy books, freaky cat situation :)

State of mind - teary, proud, slightly annoyed about the state of television these days, and a little skittish :)

Mothers Day (Weekend)

Mothers day? Not likely! This year its been more like mother's week.  Massages from my boys and a masseuse, little notes and drawings from the boys during the lead up, and then there was the weekend.

The in-laws took the kids out for lunch on Saturday and AB and I decided to have an 'us' day in Newtown.  The weather was gorgeous and it was a perfect day for hanging around outside.  

We parked near the park, and once again I took notice of how much I love where we live.  The park was full of dogs and families picnicking, people reading and laughing.  As much as most of us city dwellers miss the backyard space we could have if we moved further out of town, the upside means that we use the green spaces around us.  I love this! AB and I talked about it and he didn't get what I was saying when I gushed over the idea that all these people, although they weren't talking to each other, were spending time in a communal way.  These green spaces seem to bring people together so that even if you were feeling lonely, you couldn't miss that you are a part of something larger. 

We stopped at a pub for a glass of wine and a cider and decided to go and look upstairs at the beer garden.  It was gorgeous up there sitting in the sun.  We sat by the windows that overlooked the street watching the world go by and decided to eat lunch.  A man who was excessively drunk for 1pm came over to chat and both of us smiled as he chatted on about weird stuff and then went off to chat to the next table.  I laughed that even sitting quietly in a pub can give you the opportunity to socialize with your community.

We left and browsed a few book shops and then wandered further up the street to get coffee from my favourite roaster.  I hardly ever go there so grabbing a takeaway and walking back to the car felt like a perfect way to end our us time.

We got home and AB took the time to wash his bike while I read my new comic books.  Some friends and their kids came over about half an hour before our kids came home and we spent the rest of the night talking while the kids played on the street.

Sunday morning arrived and it was present time.  The ring that AB bought me from the kids hadn't arrived (and it needs a whole blog post all of its own) but I was greeted with cuddles, handmade cards, another kiddie massage and the gorgeous (to me) pink and purple stripped mug that Jack picked out from the mother's day stall at school.  Bless, apparently he picked it because I love coffee and now I could have a special mug to drink it out of.  So as I ate my huzby made Eggs Benedict, I drank my coffee from my brand new mug and generally thanked the world for this amazing thing called motherhood.

(OK that's enough of the gushy post for now, but this weeks mother's day really did require some documenting :)

Reading - Kick-Ass, Coraline graphic novel and finishing the Subtle Knife reread

Watching - ummm

Listening - ummm

State of Mind - Gushy (apparently)

Case in Point

After the other days post about how Hamish has his own sense of style, today's outfit was a perfect example.

Hat on backwards (cause it's cool), black shirt and checked flannel shirt, grey purple and black patterned stockings with red shorts over the top and ankle converse type boots.

After putting this ensemble together he proudly stated as he looked in the mirror "yep! I look cool" and wandered off to play.

Gotta love it!

Weird Things I Love

Today I went to the butcher to buy a boned shoulder of lamb. When I got there they didn't have a boned joint ready but he said he could bone it for me. We started chatting when I mentioned that I had boned my own shoulder last time. As much as I had tried to do it properly it was quite a hack job (which wasn't a problem seeing that I was cutting it up anyway). He asked me if I wanted to come and watch him butcher it. Of Course I Did!!

There is something very satisfying for me about cutting up meat. I love deboning a joint, or defatting a loin. But only red meat or at a pinch, fish. The idea of doing the same to chicken or worse pork makes me feel quite I'll.

The truth is part of me wouldn't mind being a butcher!! I know weird huh! I mean I am well and truly an omnivore and have no issues with eating meat (treatment of livestock is a whole other topic) but I am also an animal lover and a pacifist so why is there something about butchering that appeals?

It made me think about other weird things that I like;

1. Popcorn and choc-tops - There is nothing that compliments watching a movie at the cinema more than a box of popcorn and a choc-top to dip the popcorn in. (especially strange because I can't stand candied popcorn)

2. The radio station next-door - It frustrates Andrew no end when the radio station next-door is blaring their music at all hours, but there is something that I love about it. Mostly it's the fact that without warning I can walk into the backyard and be reminded of the global music festival we go to. The reggae, the loud talking and the smell of ganja wafting over the fence. Not to mention that sometimes late at night I can feel a bit freaked the idea of going out to the loo. But when I get out there if the radio people are having a gathering, the music and happy chatting can help me feel more relaxed about the dark corners. Generally I love that the sounds of the city drift over my fence and remind me of why we live where we do.

3. When its so hot I can't sleep - After the week long heat wave we had last summer I was starting to tire of the night time heat but usually in Sydney those nights only happen a few times each summer. The fans are trying to lull me to sleep with their hum. The doors and windows are all open so the sounds of the city waft in to join it. I'm flipping and flopping trying to find a cool spot on my pillow but deep inside I'm feeling kinda sultry, like I'm trying to sleep beside the beach in Fiji.

4. Spiders webs - simple, I don't like spiders, but I love spiders webs.

5. Music that makes me cry - I'm a sucker for a sad song and quick to cry. But I also love those melancholy trips down memory lane.

6. Being woken by the kids in the night - Now that both kids sleep through the night most nights I can actually enjoy the once in a while when they wake me for a quick cuddle and then tiptoe back to their own beds.

7. Folding the washing - the problem is trying to find the motivation to start it. And I dislike actually putting it away. But I quite like the action of folding it. And am enjoying it more now that the kids put their own clothes away.

I'm sure there are loads of others and I can now add butchering to the list. Oh and don't worry I'm not going to run out and become a butcher ... (I'm sure I'd get stuck doing all the chickens :)

What weird things do you love?

Watching - Daybreakers, an Aussie/American film about a time when vampires have taken over the world. It had two of my favourite things, vampires and Ethan Hawke

Listening - still pretty stuck on Lykke Li. I'll Follow Rivers is a bit of an obsession at the moment.

Reading - Madhur Jaffrey's Curry Easy, hence the shoulder of lamb to make her Lamb in whole spice Indian curry.

State of mind - 15 minute massage from the kids this morning, 45 minute massage from the lady at the day spa, bikini and underarm wax and lamb curry and red wine for dinner ... Have a guess :)

What to Wear?

As with a lot of women, the question 'what am I going to wear?' is almost enough to induce cold sweats.

I don't mean getting dressed for a normal day of dropping kids to school or doing the groceries. But a night out can honestly have me trying almost everything in my wardrobe on and still coming up blank.

As far as I'm concered 'what am I going to wear?' is one of the hardest questions I've ever had to answer and unfortunately it's one that comes up fairly regularly.

If you had have asked me a few years ago, it would have had me running to the shops to buy something. I still remember spending two days looking everywhere for an outfit for my uncles wedding. By the end not only was I almost in tears but I had spent way more money that I had planned and was still not happy with the ensemble.

Part of the problem for me is that I have always struggled to find my style. I'm not talking fashion or how to be stylish, I'm talking about how I see myself and the clothes I own versus the clothes I like and the way I'd like to look.

When I was in my teens I spent a fair amount of time wishing I had clothes like everyone else's.  But lack of money meant that I never felt like my outfits were 'right'.  At the same time I used to look at one of my cousins and her boho/art student/op shop style and wished that I had the courage to dress like she did. She always looked fabulous and never looked like anyone else.  Unfortunately for me and my dressing confidence, the want/need to fit in, meant that I spent my time (and what little money I had) trying to be like everyone else and never quiet getting it right.

I used to go to parties and be called 'hippy chick' and although somewhere deep down I was proud, the surface part of me was mortified that once again I had failed to be the same (as cool) as everyone else.

Skip to my 20s and I was dressing for the sort of work that I was doing. Everything in my wardrobe was either home wear or corporate wear. None of which were embracing the kinds of clothes I actually want to wear, but by now I have no idea how to dress more the way I feel.

Skip to motherhood and most people would say this is when they start to play it safe with their wardrobe. I am the opposite. More and more I am feeling like I am dressing the way I have always felt. With my corporate clothes all gone I've started feeling braver about how to dress myself and less worried about what people think about my clothes.  It took a few defining moments;

1. Moving to the inner west - when we first moved here it was unthinkable for me to walk out of the house without getting dressed semi-decently and putting some eyeliner on.  I worried that people would notice and judge me as I had felt they had in my teens.  Within a few weeks, I started noticing that people here don't care. I regularly saw people at the shops in their PJs, and most looked as if they had just skuffed around the house for the morning and then decided to pop to the shops.  If they were dressed it was often in some cool looking outfit that looked comfy and original. I can still remember the first time I went out in my home clothes with no eye liner and how free I felt.

2. Going to the beach - a few  years later I went to the beach with some friends and the kids. I was feeling very self conscious about getting into my swimmers infront of everyone. But after a little while I noticed there were women who were older, larger, more saggy, less boobs, more boobs unshaven, and everything else in-between.  If they could embrace their buldge, sag, hair then why couldn't I? And realistically, let's be honest, no one was even looking.

3. My sons - both of my boys have very strong ideas about what they want to wear, especially Hamish. He has always chosen things outside normal 'boy' wear. For a long time he wanted long hair, he likes to dress in bright colours including pink and purple and he generally doesn't care what anyone else thinks about it. Even Jack who plays it a bit more conservatively has regular moments where he let's his own style shine through (the photo of his favourite purple fingerless gloves that he wears almost constantly is a great example)

4. My friends - I now have a lot of friends that dress like my cousin. In a way that says 'this is me'. A key moment was when a friend and I were going out.  After worrying for hours, I dressed in jeans in a black top not knowing what else in my wardrobe was going to be 'appropriate'.  When she rocked up she had knee high boots on with satin leopard print PJ pants tucked into them looking like puffy pantaloons, bright pink dress with a lacy black top over and a ratty faux fur jacket over that.  I looked at her and those crazy pants and wanted to cry and/or hug her. I thought her so brave to even try that combination and she looked wild and amazing and a little nuts. But who cares, she was brave about how she put things together, she didn't feel like she needed to play it safe and she didn't care if anyone else thought she looked a bit nuts she was confident in her ensemble and because of that she looked amazing.

So slowly but surely I am trying to be braver. I've learnt a few lessons; that skirt really doesn't work as a dress, layering is all about textures, colours, necklines and length, if I wear something that in hindsight didn't really work chances are (being in the inner west) I'm probably still not the worst or weirdest dressed person in the room, you can get everything you need at the shops, but it will be cheaper (meaning potentially you can get more) and less like what 'everyone else' is wearing if your happy to scrounge around the markets/op shops.

So now on a daily basis I dress more the way I feel. And rarely worry about what anyone else thinks. Still going out to special events freaks me out as my wardrobe is full of 'my' sort of clothes, comfy, colorful, and easy.  But at least I've got my day to day sorted. Maybe it's time to work on my going out wardrobe ... Actually that might be a lot of fun!

Reading - rereading Philip Pullmans, The Amber Spyglass

Watching - Spaced, loved it. If you haven't checked it out do yourself a favour.

Listening - Lykee Li, I heard her described as Bjork crossed with Florence and the Machines. She's marvelous.

State of Mind - Tired but after lots of fun on the weekend kinda refreshed at the same time.

Love .....

Tonight Jack made me a card. On the front it had a bunch of flowers and love hearts and said "for mum, love Jack".

Inside it said "I Love you mum I wish I cood make you brecfist"

Be still my heart!

Today in Photos - Rain, Paint and Green Velvet

Woke up with a warm little body next to me.  Both kids slept in a bit today so 

it was a lovely way to start the day.

On the walk to school we saw lots of mushrooms and toadstools 

(one of the cool things about all this rain)

 I spent a while talking to Hamish about the difference between edible mushrooms 

and poisonous ones.  

Met Dad and Inge at the art gallery to see the Archibald

(a no photo zone so it got a bit photo quiet for a while there)

We also had lunch together yesterday and I so enjoyed seeing them.  There really isn't 

anything quite like spending time with the parental units

Walked back to the car in various levels of spitting rain.  I'm reminded once again how 

much I love photos of my feet.

I had an hour free before I had to pickup the kids so I did a bit of secondhand browsing

I found; A green velvet jacket, 2 books, an old tea caddy perfect for use as a pencil holder,

3 pairs of pants for Jack, and a red leather wallet

 Picked up Jack and realised that my darling, fumblehanded son had lost his brand new 

school jumper.  Of course I had forgotten to label it so I may as well have thrown

$20 on the ground, jumped on it a few times and run away

(Note: this is not my happy face)

Oh and did I mention that I got a few new iPhone photo apps and it has reinvigorated my photo taking :)