Today like every Wednesday i went out to Camden. I have mentioned before that my mothers sister who lived round the corner as i was growing up is dying of cancer. Its been such a journey being with her through this process, she has had a few really bad periods and had been housebound and mostly in bed for the best part of two years now.
This week she is really not well, death feels close, but as a family we know that death can feel close and then we reach a new plateau and we learn and live with that for a few more months and we are thankful for the time although we wonder how it must be from her side of the path.
It is hard to watch her fade slowly, but then mum went so fast and that was hard too i guess death is never easy.
Normally when i go out to Camden, i go straight to her house, i don't like driving around the town i grew up in.
Today i needed something from the health food shop while i was there the young owner (i swear she is younger than i am) mentioned something about health food changing over the years and i mentioned to her that my mum had owned the first health food shop in Camden, we talked about what it was like in mums shop and all of the memories came flooding back, i started to feel quiet sad.
Then as i drove along the main street and through the backs streets on my way home, i feel like i saw the ghosts of old friendships and loves and memories of times when i was young and life was simpler, i saw picnics in the park with my family, late night jaunts with old inseparable friends whom i no longer know, stolen kisses with boys who's names i don't remember.
I drove past the hospital and remembered all the times i parked and steadied myself before i walked in to talk to mum while she was unable because her asthma was bad. I drove past the oval and thought of the shows where $40 could last you a weekend and you'd have a bed full of carnival throw outs and show bag treats.
Mostly i saw me, crazy, young, sad and eager for life to pass so that i would be older ...... silly that i already see that youth is wasted on the young ...... i wish that i felt now as light as i remember feeling then although I'm sure i thought like all teenagers that life was hard and i had it the hardest.
Ah yes i would like to do it over knowing what i know now, but then i wouldn't change a thing least it change where i am now .......... and in another 20 years i will probably look back to now and say yes youth really is wasted on the young :)
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Now this post has made me feel quite sad.
Remember that you only feel old when you are young, really. The Doctor says that, anyway, and he's never wrong. (Except for that time when he thought he could save the Sea Devils.)
And not all old, inseparable, Camden friends are gone.
Too true my love but you are so much more than a friend you are a kindred spirit and a sister in life XX
It is true that I am a very special and important person, yes. And that works both ways.
But, to get serious for a moment, I would hate to think that Camden had predominantly negative memories.
In many ways--excluding the disappointments and the losses--I think we had idyllic childhoods, and that Camden was a marvellous place to grow up.
And the advantage of an idyllic childhood is that it never leaves you, no matter how far away you wander. Behind every change that's taken place in Camden, there are still the happy shadows of the sandmines and the Hump, the river and the floods, the bike path and the trees.
Those are immutable in our minds, even if they're not immutable in real life.
XX.
Idyllic childhood it was and i havent thought about the hump for a long time :)
I think though that my teen years were filled with normal teen angst and that is what i remembered yesterday.
Also the sadness came from missing that connective feeling you have in childhood, i felt sad and lonely knowing that i am my own matriarch and the keeper of all memories of me (except for you).
I feel that with those people not being in my life anymore that large portions of my lifes memory are missing now.
Most days i feel strong and capable of being the strongest person in my life, i just didnt much yesterday.
Thank you for remembrances of our childhood though, your right i feel lighter for the reminder of those times and the freedom we had in our youth, idyllic it certainly was at times
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