Its a New Dawn .... the final countdown (warning slightly emotional post)

He lies in bed with eyes wide open asking about this and that. Where will I sit? What will I do? Who will be with me? We talk and I smile and I fake it, I fake the enthusiasm as I answer him. He sniggers about the fact that they make rules about shoes. Why do I have to wear them all day? He asks with a voice so sweet my heart melts a little more, Why are shoes so important that they need to make rules about them? thats so silly! and I laugh with him, true happy laughing and again my heart melts a little more.

So we talk about what is to come when he finally says, with sleepy eyes, I'm so excited mummy!!!

And of course I hold him tight and I say that I am so excited for him as well, excited about what he will learn and play and all the new friends he will make and there is some truth in it, but mostly I am so sad I can barely breathe. I wonder why they get to have him for so much of the week? why do they take him so young? where did the time go? please can't I have a little more time?

I know what you'll say. It's a good thing. He will be alright. He will love it. Its very normal to feel this way. You'll be fine ... and I know your right, but for tonight I don't feel fine. I will go and pack his bag and lay out his uniform and let all of my emotions pour out because tomorrow he deserves a mummy that is standing by his side beaming with excitement as he walks off to start his big adventure. Maybe tomorrow I will be fine ...

More From the Spiegeltent

Here is the video of Hermitude and the Dance-off in the fountain. In one scene you can see the three of us on the side of the screen (if you are squinting:)

It Starts

I've been putting off blogging about Jack starting school mostly because I have been in a blissful state of denial but partially because I thought once I started I might have trouble stopping the outpouring of thought. This last week has brought me out of my happy little denial bubble as we have brought shoes and uniform and have started the countdown to D-Day next Monday.

The decision to send Jack to school has been a long one for me.  I tossed around the idea of home schooling for a long time and may well have chosen that path except for a few blinding realities:
- He wants to go to school
- AB isn't pro home schooling (except as a last resort)
- I don't feel able to home school both of my children
- Did I mention he wants to go to school

In the end it was his want and character that led me to decide to go down the school path and even though now that it is a mere 4 days away and I am wanting to back peddle at a million miles an hour and keep him home with me. In my heart of hearts I know that for the moment school is the best thing for him and our family.

So what are my concerns?
- That he will be lost in the system
- That the need for him to conform will change who he is
- That he will have a terrible time and come to dislike learning
- That he will become a little robot, or worse he will pick up so much new and unhim behaviors that I won't recognise him anymore

Mostly its about loosing freedom, his and mine. Jack is such a confident little guy and watching him walk his own path in spite of what his peers think is one of his most admirable qualities. I'm scared that school will beat that out of him, I'm scared that his free thinking ways will be lost within the system, I'm scared that he will feel different and have trouble fitting in whilst still being himself and if I'm honest I'm scared of taking this next step towards letting go of my baby and relying on people I don't know to help raise him, inspire him, and show him how the world works.

What if .... In the end its all a what if? And there are no answers to my what if's until we start walking (albeit reluctantly) down the path to school.

I hope that he loves school, I hope he finds his way and grows and learns all the things he hopes to.  I hope that his teacher will hold him if he is sad and that he will feel empowered enough to speak up both to his peers and his teachers. I hope that this time next year he is still as free thinking, confident and excited to start back for his second year.

So as my inner self is running around in circles crying "I don't want it, I want my little boy with me! Its to soon, I'm not ready, I want to protect him and enjoy him, I want ...." Its not about me and so my outer self is smiling and being excited with him, its trying to embrace the potential for positive growth, self reliance and knowledge that I hope and pray school is really about.

I try and remind myself that the ability to walk (calmly and confidently) away from me knowing all the while I am still there for him is the biggest gift I can give my children,  but I will continue crying on the inside as I say goodbye to my baby in the next of a million little goodbyes before they walk away (calmly and confidently) as an adult.

Bookshelf Porn

For anyone that finds rooms full of books sexy this blog might be for you.

(Totally stolen from a friends tweet)

Fountain of Youth

Last night two friends took me for a belated birthday night out. It was a seriously decadent night and was worth every moment of todays headache, sore feet and sleep deprivation. A quick rundown of the evening goes like this:

- Out for a quick dinner at our usual haunt

- Move onto Madam Fling Flong's for cocktails. Make mine a margarita :)

- Hop a cab to Hyde park and the Spiegeltent to watch Hermitude play a session and dance and dance and dance.

- Start to go home and see 6-10 people dancing in the fountain just outside the tent. Decided to join in, next thing you know its a dance-off between the Inner Westies and the Mountain Crew and 200 people are dancing in the fountain.

Standing in the gazebo in the Spiegeltent

Hermitude

The beginnings of the fountain dancing

Second wave of the fountain dancing

Final view of the fountain dancing which apparently went on until 4am (we left and the ripe old time of 2.30am)

Some nights are just golden! I can imagine that I could be thinking back over my life in another 40 years time and I will still remember it in detail.

Morning Aerobatics

I'm sure that I remember a time when the lounge was for sitting on?

Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep

My littlest boy got his own bed this week. He has been sleeping in his own space for almost 6 months now and over the holiday period started mentioning his want for his own big boy bed. I found the base at Tempe tip and we got an inexpensive mattress (knowing that we have a while left with the occasional wet bed and we could throw this one and buy a better one later)

The first night we had the beds arranged differently and the boys both woke a lot and in the morning they said they thought they were two far away from each other so yesterday we came up with this arrangement. Last night they both only woke once. Not bad for the first night of a new setup. My littlest looks so big in his new bed, I had fresh pangs of longing to keep them safe and small forever. But I also rejoiced in the fact they he is ready and happy and we have moved forward in his own time.

Facebook with Benefits

I have this friend, let's call her Elvira. She is my all time one and only BFF. We met on the first day of primary school and were inseparable for years. Almost all of my childhood memories feature her in one way or another. We have survived different high schools, drinking binges at 12, not talking for 2 years, boyfriends, life changes and then about 10 years ago she moved interstate.

She has grown into the smartest person I know (actually I should call her Dr Elvira) and I have grown into ... Well I don't know who she thinks I have grown into but I know she finds my talking openly about vaginas challenging. No matter what we have changed into over the years she is still the one person I can call and just plow back into the conversation like we talk everyday.  Truth is though that we only talk once a month or so and we only see each other a few times over the christmas period.

But these days I feel like I know more about her than ever. I mean I have always known who she is on the inside but 10 years of living in different states could take its toll on a friendship. That's where facebook comes in. Being that she is an avid facebooker and an even more avid tweeter I know more about her day to day activities than I have since we were little. I also know the kind of things that are on her mind and days when a call would be good/or bad.

Mostly facebook and twitter doesn't really seem that important. I mean sure its helped me reconnect with some old friends, which is brilliant, and even keep in touch with some new ones but the real value to me is the connection it gives me with loved ones who are far away and its not just Elvira. Its cousins and aunts who live OS and new friends who like me are too time poor for phone calls or weekly catch ups.

Take away the stupid barnyard games and the quizzes about which Twilight character you are there are some very useful parts of these internet networking programs and I for one am glad to know that Elvira is waiting for her BF to get out of the optometrist and I also needed to share (and be given some sympathy) about the fact that I dropped my coffee all over the rug and broke my favourite cup.  And sure I could have called Elvira and told her ... But she is out waiting outside the optometrist *grin*

IQ (not Einstein)

We have Foxtel cable TV.  Its got its merits but realistically when you are searching for something to watch whether you have 5 stations or 50 sometimes (often) there is nothing on.

When we subscribed we got given, free of charge, the IQ version.  There are a few features we use (and have become reliant on) the ability to pause live TV (handy when you live under the flight path or have young children), one button recording, and the ability to view the TV guide and then just push a button to record even asking it to grab whole seasons.

Its all fluff but to be honest but it makes life easier and it means we have a backlog of stuff that we can watch when there is nothing on TV.

I was just browsing our backlog and wondered ... What does our IQ say about us?

The following is a list of what's currently sitting in our IQ (in order), most are unwatched except the 1st dozen or so which are things that AB and the kids won't let me delete.  Its also important to acknowledge that the stuff we were really excited about seeing we have already watched and deleted so really this is just the bottom of the barrel of things we (I) think we (I) might watch one day:

- 7 of AB's favourite Top Gear episodes (saved)
- The Wild (saved)
- Ratatoullie (saved)
- Matilda (saved)
- Emperor's New Groove
- Willy Wonkas Chocolate Factory (saved)
- Frida
- Adaptation
- Careful he Might Hear You
- Die Hard
- Mad Max
- Grapes of Wrath
- SWAT
- Fast Times at Ridgemont High
- Starman
- The Searchers
- The Wizard of Oz
- Gone with the Wind
- Top Gear
- Japanese Story
- December Boys
- I Heart Huckabees
- Top Gear
- Screamers
- Buffy the Vampire Slayer (S06E07)
- Big Love (series linked)
- Lie to Me (series linked)
- Buffy the Vampire Slayer (series linked)
- Californication (series linked)
- Top Gear (series linked)

By the look of that list I wonder if burglars decided to sit down and watch the TV before they stole it who would they think they were stealing from?  Am I actually ever going to watch 1/2 that stuff? Why does AB need to keep all those episodes of Top Gear? Will he ever watch them again? And if he wants them so much should we not buy them so they don't clog up the memory (that I could be using to grab many other random crap movies/shows)? and most importantly what does your IQ/TiVo say about you?

K-9 Cake (Jacks 5th Birthday)

Im not a super mum! I don't know how to sew, I'm rarely Mrs Crafty Mum, but there is something about my kids birthday cakes that brings out the super mum monster in me. Its just so hard for me not to try and give my kids the birthday cake that they ask for and it seems to me its one of those things that I need to do to tick my 'mother' box.

Truth be told once I have a handle on the 'how to' for each cake I really enjoy the challenge and this years K-9 was no exception. If fact I think this cake is my best effort yet. It was a banana choc chip cake with butter icing. Im not a huge fan of butter icing and the reason I tried it was because the lady in the cake shop told me I had to :) I don't want to sacrifice the taste of the cake for look but I was willing to try and gosh it was far easier to get looking right compared to my normal cream cheese icing.

Its not perfect, I didn't really want it to be and Jack loved it so that the most important part !!! (I didn't say that I didn't love the response it got from everyone else though *grin*)

At Least it Wasn't Raining

Today the weather is HOT and so it seems like a very bad day for my new 'fixed' tyre to jump off the wheel while Andrew was driving home from watering a friends garden.  Seeing that I apparently don't have a jack in my car that meant that I had to put the kids in his car and bring him his jack which then decided not to work.  In the end it was nothing a brick and a lot of sweat couldn't fix ... At least it wasn't raining.

PS we will no longer be using Bob Jane T-Mart for our tyre needs!!! Imagine if I had been driving on the motor way!!!

How did we ever live without it?

Ladies, have you been wondering if you labia is looking old and worn? Is the colour of your vagina fading and your worried that you no longer look young, vibrant and pink? Well worry no more, THIS is the product for you !!!

" a temporary dye to restore the youthful pink color back to your labia. There is no other product like it. This patent pending formula was designed by a female certified Paramedical Esthetician after she discovered her own genital color loss."

This is our oldest dog (child) Oscar on Christmas morning.  Jack had woken me at 6.30am and ran downstairs to AB while I waited to see if Hamish was going to wake up.  Once I'd realised that Hamish was going to sleep for a while I wandered downstairs to have the dreaded sibling conversation (you know the one where your parents ask you to wait to open your presents until your brother wakes up)

Oscar met me at the bottom of the stairs bouncing and prancing, looking at me expectantly.  I opened the back door expecting that he needed to pee and went back to tell Jack he could take one thing out of his santa sack before Hamish woke up.

Oscar was still standing next to me with his best grin on his face wagging his tail and looking excited.  I mused with Andrew what he thought Oscar was doing.
"I think he's waiting for his present"
"I didn't get him one, plus he doesn't know its Christmas day ... Does he?"

It certainly looked like he knew it was Christmas morning, in fact there was really no mistaking the prancing and wagging ... Damn it the dog knows it Christmas and I didn't get him anything.

I ran into the study and found a freebie dog toy we had been given with the last bag of dog food we had brought, wrapped it and walked out with MY tail between my legs.

He sat with those big doleful eyes looking at me as I brought the present out from behind my back.  Chaos ensued...

Don't ask me how he knew it was Christmas but this year I learnt not to think that just because he is a dog, he doesn't need a present.

Sunny Mornings at the Pool

This week Jack has started swimming lessons again.  Our last experience at swimming lessons was a bit disastrous. Every thursday morning Jack would say the he wanted to go to his lesson and then about 5 minutes into the class he would decide that he didn't want to do the class at all. It was horrible watching the instructor telling him off and trying to make him do the class. It was also horrible seeing how cranky I got at the fact that I had packed a huge bag put Hamish in the pram and was trying to wrangle my littlest while convincing my large one that he needed to get back in the pool.  After four classes like that I decided that this was not the time for swimming lessons.

Cut to yesterday. Jack was excited about the class until he saw the pool. Suddenly it was to cold, to slippery, to deep and all manner of to scary.  He is not afraid of the water at all I think he is afraid of being told he has to do things he is uncomfortable with.

Luckily after watching for a minute and a little chat with the instructor he was keen to get started and he seemed to enjoy the class a lot.

We have four more classes to go, let's hope they all work out as well.