Anyone who knows me, knows that meditation is not my strong point. I have tried many times for just as many years and I have never once managed to either a. Sit still long enough or b. See/feel anything of any consequence (usually I can focus quiet well on what needs doing, or my shopping list though).
So when Steve (the Osteo) asked me to look inside I rolled my eyes (under closed eyelids). I couldn't decide what to do. Either once I managed not to see anything do I tell him in an embarrassed tone that I couldn't see/feel anything of importance. Or do I make something up, hoping all he wanted was a one line answer and then would get back to fixing my shoulder. I needed to have a think, so while I was thinking I looked inside to see what I was feeling/seeing.
Just to prove me wrong I started to see something. This was a big thing for me so I relaxed and tried to explain what it was I was seeing. It turned out that Steve wanted to talk about what I was seeing/feeling for 1/2 an hour (making me very very glad that I didn't make something up).
To cut a long story short this is what I saw. And sure its a bit weird, and it surprises even me how strange it makes my mind seem. So instead of going through the 1/2 an hour conversation I'm just going to give you the quick points.
There was a ball of wool all tangled and frantic. Who wanted to be some beautiful loops of yarn.
To the tangled ball of wool, the yarn looked so calm and relaxed. It looks easy for everyone to find the yarn's ends. The wool had been trying to be more like the yarn but the more it tried the bigger (and more perfect) the yarn got and the smaller (and more frantic) the wool got.
It wondered could it even become the yarn? The yarn was too big, too perfect, too different to the ball. Plus the ball liked some of the bits about itself that the yarn didn't have. It liked some of its craziness and its frenetic energy. It just wished that there was a way that it could untangle itself just enough so that life wasn't so frantic all the time. It knew it couldn't be the yarn. And even if it could, it wasn't sure that it wanted to be.
But what could it be instead?
Maybe... maybe it could be a pompom
Truthfully I'm sure that at least 1/2 of you are reading this and thinking that I am nuttier than you thought :)
I told Andrew about it and he said "after three years of therapy, it took an Osteopath to make you realise that?"
So why am I sharing this? I'm sharing because I think that in our own ways we are all the ball of tangled wool. And when we think about where we want to be, most of us want something resembling the soft loops of yarn. And some people achieve that. And some never will. But even if you can't be the angel-like yarn there can be something that you can be that is more you.
For me, I think I am a pompom.