Growing through Change

With change comes growth, never has anything been more true. Its so amazing how change and challenge gives the potential for growth and inspiring to see how people use it.

When mum died a friend of mine who's father had died a year before told me that he was starting to learn what his fathers death gave him. He went on to say that as he discovered what he had been given, the truth was that given the choice he wouldn't change the fact that his father had died. I know it sound a harsh thing to say but i have always known it to be true.

Over the years i have seen what mums death gave me, the main thing being the growth it sparked and the changes my life took because of that growth, and i can say, with a tear that i wouldn't change the fact that she died, i wouldn't give back what i have gained to have her here, as hard and sad and empty i sometimes feel about the loss of her, what i have gained is so huge, beautiful, and amazing i wouldn't want to do anything that could change it.

I have an Aunt who was diagnosed with terminal cancer 3 years ago, watching her go through this process is so inspiring, once she accepted the diagnosis her life change dramatically, she healed and learnt and shared on a level that most people never see. Watching as our family also grow through this challenging time is also amazing, the closeness and support we have given each other and the selflessness it has brought is so admirable. We are all closer on a deeper level than before. I wonder when my Aunt passes away what we will all have gained by being a part of this process with her.

Funnily enough I'm actually a creature of habit, ask our local Thai takeaway, we have ordered from the same place once every week for 6 years and i, for the most part have had the same dish.
I also think about my week and how i without thinking can tell you mostly what i do each day. Friday for example i go to the magic yellow bus, i try and leave a bit early (9.20am instead of 9.30am) so that i can get 'that' parking spot under the tree so that after our play the car is in the shade.

My wish for people is that they can learn and grow through these changes, and that i can do it better as well, but please don't park in my car space or I'll have a freak out ...... not all change is good :)

Music Makes me Want to Move with You

So today is all about moving your body. I heard that there was a list made of the top 10 Hip Hop songs white people love. After looking it up i realised that they were taking the mickey but they were also right all of those songs make me want to shake my booty....hmm i wonder if you can classify my bum as booty.

10. Positive K - I got a man
9. Digital Underground - The Humpty Dance
8. Bix Markie - Just a Friend
7. Young MC - Bust a Move
6. Rob Base and DJ Easy Rock - It Takes Two
5. Naughty by Nature - Hip Hop Hooray
4. Tag Team - Whoomp (there it is)
3. Vanilla Ice - Ice Ice Baby
2. House of Pain - Jump Around
1. Sir Mix-a-Lot - Baby got Back

The Full Detailed List plus some honorable mentions and the you Tube links are all fun and guaranteed to get you moving you booty .... or whatever you want to call it.

I like big butts and i cannot lie, you other brothers cant deny .......... p

Genre of the Month

I love books, I love everything about books, I love the new book smell and the crispy pages, I love reading and feeling that the time I am reading is all about me.

Recently I have been taking a break from the non fiction, birth and breastfeeding books that I have consumed non stop for the last few years and gotten back to my roots, although I need to go back to reading non fiction or I will never finish my course, but this month its been all about Fantasy.

I have been on a run of Neil Gaiman, I think his writing is clever and quirky, I often need to reread sentences because he is creative with the way he structures an explanation but his stories are unique, it reminds me of the way that my dad writes.

The first book I read of his was Stardust I read it years ago and loved it but it had never occurred to me to read any further, until I was walking past a book store and saw his latest book Fragile Things. Its a compilation of short stories and other bits and it was so enjoyable and different that I have now gotten my way through most of his back catalogue.

It reminded me that Fantasy and Sci-Fi really are my favourite genre, from Enders Game by Orson Scott Card to The Day of the Triffids by John Wyndham, give me an escape from reality any day.

Forums

Are you a member of a forum? I have noticed recently that more and more people have a forum and the topics are so varied there are bike forums, IT forums, Baby forums, photo forums, so many forums and so much choice.

My first forum like adventure was a BBS in the early 90s. It was apparently hosted right near here and was a chat place of late teens and early 20s mostly. It seems like a lifetime ago I can’t remember much about how it all worked. I remember we talked about everyday things and most weekends we would have face to face get togethers. I can’t remember what happened why I stopped visiting I think I had an argument with the head honcho and he kicked me out .... or maybe it closed down. After that I had a long break from the forum world

When I found out I was pregnant a friend mentioned a forum she was a member of. I joined and it became a daily part of my life. I talked about everything baby, with a bunch of woman mostly new mothers from all of the country. It was a great way of talking about every intricate detail of the pregnancy twinges, movements, baby bags, sexy dreams, labour plans, husbands; you name it we talked about it. I think all of my family and friends should thank that forum it really gave me a place to release everything and not bore them with it all.

Turned out though that I parented bit differently from most of that forum, I started feeling judged and attacked every time I mentioned something that didn’t fit within the mainstream ideals. Another member mentioned that they were going to a different forum that was attachment parenting friendly. That was an amazing forum, it helped me find confidence in my ideas and it too became a daily part of my life.

Recently that forum underwent a lot of change and there was a mass exodus. It was a lesson for me in the place a forum takes in people’s lives and it helped me remember not to invest too much in any forum as they are a cyber place, with none of the social, ecological or economical limits that apply in the real world.

Luckily it coincided with me starting to enjoy another forum that is homebirth and feminism based it’s filled with crazy passionate women who are so vocal it’s inspiring and challenging and as is my way its something I visit daily.

I have met people in the flesh on the forums made friends and have found and given real help but all in all I feel like I have been a bit forum fickle, I guess that’s why we all have different forums they don’t grow with you so you move to find the need the forum needs to fill. I wonder what my next forum will be....

Community

Andrew often mentions that he misses Singapore, I miss the idea of it but I don't miss being there. The country and the people are so welcoming and friendly and being an expat was such a mind blowing experience. We had lots of money and were making friends, we lived in the amazing apartment with even more amazing facilities, and we were on our way (although in hindsight I don't know where) but we were lonely for our home and the lifestyle we had there. Sometimes we have to remember that.

Today I had one of those days where everything went slightly pear shaped and at each turn the people in our chosen community helped. My beautiful friend saved Jack from a hungry day by picking up his lunchbox that I had forgotten seeing that I was running late for an appointment. My neighbours minded Hamish who had fallen asleep just as I needed to pick Jack up. Jack spent the afternoon at preschool doing Yoga and once we got home he was desperate to keep playing so he is at another neighbours hanging out for a few hours.

I have lived in many a place but this is the first time I have lived in a community. Thank you beautiful friends I really do feel like I have come home.

"The universe clearly operates for the benefit of humanity. This can readily be seen from the convenient way the sun comes up in the morning, when people are ready to start the day."

Todays Terry Pratchett Quote is from Hogfather (if only the world was Discworld)

End of an Era

Just over 3 years ago I gave birth to Jack, within minutes of birth I put him to my breast for the first time. It took us about 12 hours to get breastfeeding established and once it was ,there were very few problem. I had a lot of milk he was a big baby we went together like 2 peas in a pod.

I loved feeding him, I loved being able to sustain and comfort him with my body alone, everything seemed perfect and right.
Then we found out I was pregnant again, milk changed in quality and quantity and those around me started to wean. It had not occurred to me to wean and once it did I knew it wasn't what I wanted or needed to do for me or my little boy.

Once Hamish was born Jack helped with over supply, cracked nipples and shared so beautifully with his new brother. We were even immortalised in a book called Breastfeeders Anonymous with 2 beautiful photos

These last few months we have gone from little to lots of feeds to little again, and after loads of talking and occasional diversion I noticed that he hasn't been asking for boob the last week or so.

Tonight I asked Jack did he think that he was finished needing boob, he said "mummy I'm bigger now" he stood up proudly puffing out his chest, yes he is I thought, I asked if he felt that he wasn't going to have boob anymore how that made him feel "I'm happy mummy" he said.

I'm happy too ..... no actually I'm not! suddenly I wanted more than anything for him to feed I realised that all of my wondering about how to go about weaning and letting him feel in control of the process was over, my child has weaned and I am sad and lonesome about it.

So my little boy here is my montage to you and I and our breastfeeding relationship, it started on the 3rd of January 2005 and has continued anywhere between 1 and 15 times a day every day until a few months ago, I love watching our relationship grow, but sometimes its hard my darling to watch you move further away from me

First Feed minutes old

6 months old at Coogee Beach

Almost 3 one of our last 20 breastfeeds

Boys will be boys

There comes a time in every rightly constructed boy's life when he has a raging desire to go somewhere and dig for hidden treasure

- Mark Twain -

I Am Sorry

We humans are amazing things, the amount we can change physically and mentally and still remain the same person is truly special.

Years ago my feelings about the government saying SORRY to indigenousness Australians was one of fear, why did they want it? was it to sue the country? did they want me to say sorry? I didn’t do anything wrong!! Today I am older somewhat wiser and far more compassionate, I don’t care if I don’t understand the why (and I don’t really) I am sorry, I'm sorry that these things happened to these people and their communities.

I’m glad the government said sorry today I hope it helps you heal

The Look

I love to watch you as you walk along this path with me

And see that look of love in your eyes

Thank you my love, my partner, my sweet

Carbon Footprint

I have been thinking about our families carbon footprint lately, and wondering how much I was willing to change to help cope with the foot print we leave. I want to teach the kids how to respect our planet and the resources we use ....... but how to balance that without feeling that I am having a shower in a caravan park ?
The show the Carbon Cops has been keeping it in the forefront of our minds, they have some great ideas and its interesting to watch families embrace the change. The one that caught my eye recently was a family with 2 young children, the mother drove a large 4WD and they got her this really groovy bike to do small quick trips with the kids, I had a look online and they are called Christiania Bikes. How cool are they, the family had this set up where the toddler sat in it and the baby was in a car seat. I want one, well more accurately I want to be the sort of person that rides one of these. Almost everything we need is only a 1/2 an hour ride away at the most, I can imagine going to the grocer and the park and preschool ect on it, but no one has ever mistaken me for the sort of person that rides a bike.
Riding a bike conjures pictures images of people very different from me, firstly they are fit but also they fit that fit and healthy mould you know chirpy, tanned, full of those endorphins. I think I would want to punch myself :)

So maybe I need to sit on that and think about it a bit, in the mean time I will work on the other bits. For instance we live 2 minutes away from a bio-diesel station, so Andrew is talking about buying a diesel car, I am going to call our energy company and sign up with a green energy provider, we are working on turning things off when they are not in use and looking at the energy that our appliances use. I'm sure there is more, like growing some of our own food, buying local produce, packaging, recycling better, buying recycled over new, our consumer habits ...... wow I could go on and on. Still its an interesting process, I wonder how much we will be willing to change , I wonder if at the end I will be the sort of person that rides a bike !!

Motherless Mothers

I was driving to the supermarket today and I saw a woman in her early 60's walking to the shops with her basket on wheels, she had her hair up in a bun and a flowing skirt on and she reminded me of mum. Today I really miss mum, I think she would have loved where we live, I know that she had talked about wanting to live in the city and I think about how cool it would be if she lived near. Then while I was in the supermarket there was a 6 or so year old boy talking to a woman in her 60's, I watched their happy banter about school and friends and got the feeling that I was watching a weekly catch up of sorts. It made me miss mum even more, I started feeling quiet melancholy and sorry for myself, and for my kids, I started thinking about all the parts of my life I would like to be sharing with mum and all of the support she would have given and I got very melancholy indeed.
Then a beautiful friend of mine who has had a very bad week was telling me about how in the middle of said bad week her mum didn't make her feel supported or helped in fact her mum was too close and made an already hard situation harder. Now don't get me wrong, her mum is awesome but I think sometimes mothers and daughters are to close and mothers say what they are thinking and without meaning to they do the opposite of what is needed at the time.

I often come to realise that I would not feel the same way about mum had she not died, once she had died I realised how important and special and missed she was, but when I watch other women's relationships with their mums I realise that I would not truly have realised this unless she had died.
Isn't that how the song goes, you don't know what you've got till its gone. (I think Janet is talking abouther lover but its a beautiful song anyway)

So mum I miss you, today more than most, I love the dream I have of you as a grandma and the mother of an adult, realistic it may not be but that's fine as well.

House to a home

Last year the people across the road knocked their house down. It was an old fibro house that had apparently gone so far past fixable that the only choice was to knock it down and start again. Mrs A had lived her whole life in that old fibro house. Her whole life! she came home from being born to that exact house in this exact street. When she married, her husband moved in and they cared for her mother and then about 4 years ago her mother died, her mother had lived in that house her whole married life, that's a lot of one families history wrapped in one house.

So when the whole street stood across square and watched as 2 bulldozers pummelled the house to the ground it was incredibly emotional.

Today over a year later, after a million delays, the trucks containing prefab walls and windows and cars full of men came, and started building. I have just come home and there it is the skeleton of a new house, walls, roof, windows sitting there in the place that Mrs A home used to sit.

We live in an old house, with holes in the floors and roof and a bathroom with no drain an outside toilet :) and a million other niggly horrid parts. I wonder if we knocked this house down and we built another house in the same spot would it feel like home? ........ or would I sit feeling like I was sitting on the grave of this house?

Mrs A is now walking around her new house seeing the rooms that she has been looking at on the plans for over a year in the flesh and I wonder, how long till this new and improved house will be her home? will it ever, really be?or will she to feel like she is sitting on the grave of the home she grew up in?

Anyway talking about growing up, how cute is my very grown up little wizard !!!!

So you think you can dance?

Todays thought is about how much i love this show. I have never gotten into those singing shows like Australian Idol or the travel shows like the amazing race, or the social comentary shows like big brother or survivor but this one wowee i love it.

I dont like singing shows because i think i can sing so i am often thinking about myself an wondering could i do better or what i would struggle with . I dont like the travel shows because i often feel that they dont respect the countries that they travel to. I dont like the social commentry shows because i dont like to see what we human will often become when we are put in extroidinary situations as a mob.

I have never thought i could dance, not like that, i love to dance and i can dance up a storm, but im not a ballerina or a b-girl or anything in between, so i can watch SYTYCD and just revel in the movement, amazing bodies and all the different dance styles, I love watching the body being used to create a story. I am inspired to move and gyrate and express myself in the same way, but i think i will remain a lounge room dancer and just live vicariously through these amazing dancer

Where do you live?

I love where we live!

I love the community, the hustle and bustle, the tiny historic beautiful identical little houses. I love that if you can think it, you can almost certainly get it within 20 minutes of here. I love the sound of the planes and birds and kids playing. I love the friends I have made, they way that living here has changed me, made me feel more confident and comfortable in myself, cause there are so many people here your never as weird as one of the last people who walked by. I love that there are 3 cafes 5 minutes from here that do a great coffee and I can get almost any meal to take away.

Sometimes though I feel the need for space and peace and quiet for more room where the kids can run uninterrupted and climb and when those time hit, I think that I would like some of these

http://freshome.com/2008/01/08/top-8-most-amazing-tree-houses/