You Only Live Once

Twelve years ago today, I woke up to the news that my mum had died.  She had a massive asthma attack in the early hours of the morning, she was 56.  I feel devastated when I think of the fact that mum is no longer in my or my families life, I miss her desperately.  But I also think that just focusing on my loss from her death is a waste of a huge life lesson.

56 ... It's not that far from 34.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not being morbid or freaking out that I am going to die at a young age.  More I'm taking note of how fleeting this life is and how important it is to remember that, as we live our own lives.

I have a tendency to put things off that are out of my comfort zone.  Maybe most people do.  Last week an awesome friend told me we were going out dancing on Saturday night.   My first reaction was 'I don't think that's a good idea, I haven't been out dancing since I was in my early 20's, what would I wear?'.

Then I realised that the others going were also out of their comfort zone.  One was worried about how she was going to get motivated to go out at 10pm.  Another was worried she couldn't remember how to dance. And everyone had slight wardrobe worries.

So I put on my glad rags and thought to myself, what have you got to loose? (after ages staring at my wardrobe and playing with makeup ideas) And we had a wonderfully hilarious night that I will remember for a long time to come.  It was full of laughter and dancing and general debauchery.  Imagine crazy trance music, men on stage in blue and white tinsel mankini's dancing wildy to the music, finding new friends in everyone you met, scoffing down McDonalds at 3.30am and finally laying your head on the pillow at just past 4am.

You only live once!!! and if you keep putting off things that lay outside your comfort zone then are you really living at all?

Lost Loves

Today I've been thinking about people I have loved.

I think I'm pretty lucky, I have and do love easily and frequently. Even more luckily I feel I have been loved equally in return.  Sometimes these are huge all encompassing lifetime loves and sometimes they are as fleeting as a hummingbirds wings in flight.

I'm not talking boyfriends or lovers just people who have touched my heart.

It's one of the interesting/challenging things about social networking sites like Facebook. Sometimes one of these past loves that I haven't spoken to in years suddenly, without warning, pop up on my screen.

This week it's happened a few times.  I have seen photos of their babies, of someone else's wedding and some were just of someones life. I feel like reconnecting but I know I won't. We didn't stop being in each others lives after some major incident.  We grew apart or moved away, we changed or didn't or maybe we just had our time.

But tonight I'm feeling lucky when I think back at all of the love I've had. And so happy that I got to see a little snippet into their lives and seen that they are happy. I hope they know when they pop up on my screen that I smile to myself when I see them. And even more I hope they do the same when they see me.

Watching - Glee S2 finale.

It's been quiet on the listening and reading front with AB away.

State of mind - Reflective and a little soppy about it (so it's business as usual)

What are you Waiting For? V2.0

This time last year I wrote a blog post about things that I wanted to do this year.  I was both pleased and a little disappointed when I reviewed it.  The list included;

* Buy Rollerskates - not done
* Go to India - done
* Fix up the house - a little done
* Join a gym - did it, didn't like it, wont be doing it again in a hurry
* Learn to cook lamb shanks - not done
* Clean the Kitchen - OMG I have done that so, so, so many times this year

So as you can see the majority of the things on the list have been done, but a few haven't.  Why? It wasn't such a big list.  The things that I haven't done are completely achievable.  And although I can come up with some excuses the truth is I obviously lacked the motivation.

So today I'm going to come up with a new list of things that I would like to do.  Some of these are a bit crazier so I'm not committing to all of them this year but I'm going to add them and maybe I'll find the motivation to complete most of them.

* Buy Rollerskates - come on surely I can do this within two years.

* Learn to Cook Lamb Shanks - It's just that I really love lamb shanks and would love to add them to our winter menu.

* Do Glass Blowing - Yeah this is one of the more crazy ones but it's something I have always wanted to do and I've started wondering if there were local classes to teach me.

* Learn to play the Cello - Realistically I should probably take some more guitar lessons so that I have at least mastered one instrument.  But there is something so damn sexy about the Cello ... it's calling to me. Saying that if I reread this in a year and have actually picked up my guitar and got my head back around it again, I'll be happy.

* Paint the lounge room - And finally figure out the colours and style I'd like the room to have.

* Build a new front of the house and/or back shed - This is one that might actually get done sooner rather than later.  Once I finally knuckle out the details to the point that others can get started, but lord there are a lot of details to sort out!

Some of these, like the front of the house are more things that have to be done, but the whole point of this idea is so that I stop thinking of these things as 'one day' and actually work towards doing some/most/all of them.

What are you going to do this year?


Watching - Predators for the second time.  Love Adrian Brody but this film left me underwhelmed ... twice.

Listening - Very little, but did have another Lykke Li marathon while I was in the shower last night.

Reading - Catching up on blogs and still reading Zombies V Unicorns, I'm only managing to stay awake to read 3-4 pages then waking up as I drop the book and it whacks me on the nose.

State of Mind - Tired, the kids are waking up early and this morning I lost my cool about it and the screaming they were doing at 5.30am.  Basically I'm spending the rest of the day nurturing myself a little so that I don't flip out and scream at them again 'sigh' this whole parenting thing has some pretty major ups and downs.

Small Things - Great Hair Days

After having the pox my hair was awful. A mixture of the anti itch stuff I had slathered on my scalp and hair loss from scratching and the actual pox, meant that my hair felt lank and completely unflattering.

Not long afterwards but just long enough that my pox had healed, I dyed my hair in an attempt to freshen it up. But unlike normal after I've dyed it my hair still felt awful. So then I asked my gorgeous friend to give it a freshen up haircut. That mixed with my new wonder product 'Argan oil' (Moroccan oil) and finally my hair is back to it's usual fairly lustrous state.

Firstly I just can't thank my gorgeous friend for the awesome cuts she does. And secondly I can't thank gorgeous friend #2 for putting me onto the Argan oil. It really is THE most amazing product in my regime. If you have dry, fly away or just basically unhealthy hair I can totally recommend giving it a try.

When I woke this morning I was feeling a bit flat and generally not myself. But after a long shower in which I washed my hair and then rubbed through some of my wonder oil, I feel far more on top of the world. Ahh it's amazing how a great hair day can change ones outlook on the day. I feel positively renewed.

Watching - I enjoyed a completely decadent 16 and pregnant marathon yesterday. Ahh theres really nothing as naughty as watching trash while drinking wine and relaxing on the lounge.

Reading - Same ole, same ole

Listening - To the kids playing in the mornings while I guiltily try and grab some extra sleep

State of mind - Compared to this morning, positively radiant

PS. I'm sure I've used this photo before on a blog post but I couldn't find it. After four years of blogging I was bound to have some repetition. :)

Stop Right Where You Are!

Today as I was pondering over what to do with two new school shirts I bought that I think are too small for Jack, Hamish said to me "it's ok mummy, just keep them till I start school next year". My initial reaction was to laugh and then I realized ... Holy cow!! He's right.
My little man is starting school in less than nine months! It's made me feel like I want to relive that whole nine months in, nine month out idea that is talked about a lot in early parenting.
For those that haven't heard about it, it's the idea that after being pregnant for nine months, you give the baby nine months to get used to the outside world but doing things like feeding on demand and being in physical contact by baby wearing etc. It's basically the idea that you let the child learn separation from mummy in a similar time frame to pregnancy.
I'm not as panicked about school this time as I was with Jack at the same countdown point but I do want to try and make sure I soak up the last of the time I have my baby home with me. I do want to hold him a little tighter tonight as I have become aware that soon he will be moving to the next stage of development ... The one where I have to let go a little.
Saying that he is going to be so ready for school! He is already enjoying the direction and guidance from the preschool teachers. And in the last few weeks he has started sounding out words like cat, cold, hot, mummy and little. He asked me to help him read like Jack reads a reader every night. So I asked Jack's teacher if I could borrow a few of the lowest level of reader and now every night he is reading us these basic books. He can count to 100, and knows what the numbers up to 100 look like when written. But more than just the educational parts of school he has also spent a lot of time in the last few months trying to make well balanced friendships, working on learning to follow directions (mine, his brothers, preschools and friends) and just basically trying to learn to be a more calm and helpful little boy.
And it's working! This little man who has been ... Umm ... difficult, irrational, emotional, manic, wildly and passionately loving, and full of more ups and downs than anyone I have ever met, is trying.
My heart sings for him and for me. Firstly I can't quite imagine how much nicer it must be for him to feel in control of himself more often. It's certainly more relaxed in our home. And although if he's tired, or over stimulated we can have nutty moments .... Well let's be honest we all have those and if we expect our children to survive ours then the least they can expect is for us to ride theirs out with them.
So anyway I digress, nine months in? At almost 5? I think it can be done and in a way I think both of us need it to be done. I wish I could tell time to 'stop right where you are' for a moment, before the real countdown to school begins. I hope the next nine months goes slowly. I hope we can find the time and energy to nurture each other a bit more and have these last nine months continue the way the beginning of this year started. Let the countdown begin!!
Watching - The new Doctor Who eps
Listening - Whatever comes up when I pick shuffle on my iPhone
Reading - Decided to finish reading Zombies vs Unicorns'
State of mind - Pretty chilled considering AB is away, feeling a bit more besotted with my kids than usual and generally pretty damn content with the life I have. Ahh the bliss!! :)

Glinda The Good Witch

I mentioned in my mother's day post that I knew Andrew, on behalf of Hamish, had brought me a ring. It's garish, and slightly tacky, sparkly and absolutely perfect.
I have been wearing it every chance I get and being huge, tacky and extremely shiny, people can't help but notice and comment.
Oh how I love it!!
Watching - Love and other drugs, pretty cute rom-com.
Listening - Children bickering (lord give me strength).
Reading - On page one of The City and The City by China Melville.
State of mind - Mostly relaxed, slightly aware that with Andrew away for the week this will probably change. But feeling good about the fact that this is no longer something that is so terrifying I contemplate going to bed and waiting it out with my head under the covers.

Dance The Way I Feel

When was the last time you danced till you felt you couldn't dance anymore? Till you were hot and sweaty? Till your muscles ached and your feet hurt? Till you felt that dancing bug was completely sated?

Dancing is one of those things that can invigorate the body, done right it is one of those rare times when you feel completely free. But what does 'done right' mean? I'm certainly no candidate for 'So You Think You Can Dance' so what I mean is, when was the last time you danced like no one was watching? Like you were completely at one with the music and  were able to move your body the way the music makes you feel?

I'm guessing for most of you (and for me) it's been a loooong time. The truth is that most people stop dancing at some point. Maybe you've lost your interest in clubs and rave parties. Maybe you just lost the time to do these things. Maybe you've got no interest in dancing alone. Maybe you don't have the interest in dancing with others.  Whatever the reason, unless your completely motivated to keep up dancing, it seems to be of those things people stop doing regularly or at all.

On the weekend I had an epiphany, there is nothing better for my state of mind and soul than to dance the way I feel.  After a few glasses of wine a friend and I put on some boppy music and started prancing around her lounge room. We danced till we were sweaty, and exhausted. We danced until we forgot we were together and started dancing like no one was watching, moving like our bodies like we were part of the music. 


In short it was amazing!!! 


We didn't need a night club, or a rave party, we probably didn't even need the few glasses of wine (although I'm sure they helped feel comfortable enough to be so silly at the beginning) all we needed was music, and courage and we danced, and danced, and danced. In fact we danced till almost 3am in the morning. I woke and my whole body ached and my mind felt like I had meditated for hours.

It reminded me of a friend who recently mentioned that they were thinking of joining a club that his friend is part of. I wish I could remember more about it. But from what I do remember the whole point of this club wasn't drinking and picking up or anything to do with night clubs. This was more in line with a knitting club or a bike riding club. This was dancing to achive a version of nirvana.  A place to release, without feeling watched. A place to dance the way you feel.


I might need to call him and find out more about it because dancing alone (but not alone) in the lounge room was the most fun and mental relaxation I've had in a long time.


Watching - The Neil Gaiman written Doctor Who .... heaven in a blue box


Reading - Ray Bradbury - The day it rained forever


Listening - A whole lot of boppy music, favs for the night included Nirvana, Adrian Lux, The Gossip and Florence and the Machine.


State of mind - Ready to do it all again

One Tooth Down

Today Jacks wobbly tooth finally came out. After lots of wiggling and fiddling at my request, he decided it was time to give it a proper pull and pop, one tooth down.
Funny how these mummy moments make me all teary and proud and sad all at the same time. Jack on the other hand was immensely proud of himself and wanted to call daddy (who is in Melbourne on business) straight away.

Saying that I just got all snuggled into bed and was about to turn the light out when I realised that I had forgotten to swap the tooth for the donation from the tooth fairy. Gosh it's really the small details that's hard to keep track of when your parenting solo.

Watching - crankily I've just finished the remake of the UK show Survivors without realising not only did they only make two seasons but they left the second season as a cliff hanger. Grrr

Reading - Game play walkthroughs for some hidden object/puzzle apps I downloaded. (I may have a gaming addiction ... Is there a support group for that?)

Listening - to weird bumps in the night? Why do household night sounds sound so much more ominous when your home alone? Not helped by the fact that as a babysat for a friend last night a book jumped a meter off the bookshelf and into the floor. The child (bless) said he thought it was the wind which outwardly I agreed with but kept a lookout for weird cat behavior for the rest of the night (you know, cause cats have that whole sixth sense thing). Of course the cat then thought it was hilarious to grab a sock and run back and fourth around the house with it in her mouth. It was a whole great kids, creepy books, freaky cat situation :)

State of mind - teary, proud, slightly annoyed about the state of television these days, and a little skittish :)

Mothers Day (Weekend)

Mothers day? Not likely! This year its been more like mother's week.  Massages from my boys and a masseuse, little notes and drawings from the boys during the lead up, and then there was the weekend.

The in-laws took the kids out for lunch on Saturday and AB and I decided to have an 'us' day in Newtown.  The weather was gorgeous and it was a perfect day for hanging around outside.  

We parked near the park, and once again I took notice of how much I love where we live.  The park was full of dogs and families picnicking, people reading and laughing.  As much as most of us city dwellers miss the backyard space we could have if we moved further out of town, the upside means that we use the green spaces around us.  I love this! AB and I talked about it and he didn't get what I was saying when I gushed over the idea that all these people, although they weren't talking to each other, were spending time in a communal way.  These green spaces seem to bring people together so that even if you were feeling lonely, you couldn't miss that you are a part of something larger. 

We stopped at a pub for a glass of wine and a cider and decided to go and look upstairs at the beer garden.  It was gorgeous up there sitting in the sun.  We sat by the windows that overlooked the street watching the world go by and decided to eat lunch.  A man who was excessively drunk for 1pm came over to chat and both of us smiled as he chatted on about weird stuff and then went off to chat to the next table.  I laughed that even sitting quietly in a pub can give you the opportunity to socialize with your community.

We left and browsed a few book shops and then wandered further up the street to get coffee from my favourite roaster.  I hardly ever go there so grabbing a takeaway and walking back to the car felt like a perfect way to end our us time.

We got home and AB took the time to wash his bike while I read my new comic books.  Some friends and their kids came over about half an hour before our kids came home and we spent the rest of the night talking while the kids played on the street.

Sunday morning arrived and it was present time.  The ring that AB bought me from the kids hadn't arrived (and it needs a whole blog post all of its own) but I was greeted with cuddles, handmade cards, another kiddie massage and the gorgeous (to me) pink and purple stripped mug that Jack picked out from the mother's day stall at school.  Bless, apparently he picked it because I love coffee and now I could have a special mug to drink it out of.  So as I ate my huzby made Eggs Benedict, I drank my coffee from my brand new mug and generally thanked the world for this amazing thing called motherhood.

(OK that's enough of the gushy post for now, but this weeks mother's day really did require some documenting :)

Reading - Kick-Ass, Coraline graphic novel and finishing the Subtle Knife reread

Watching - ummm

Listening - ummm

State of Mind - Gushy (apparently)

Case in Point

After the other days post about how Hamish has his own sense of style, today's outfit was a perfect example.

Hat on backwards (cause it's cool), black shirt and checked flannel shirt, grey purple and black patterned stockings with red shorts over the top and ankle converse type boots.

After putting this ensemble together he proudly stated as he looked in the mirror "yep! I look cool" and wandered off to play.

Gotta love it!