Wednesday, 2 June 2010

Things Horror Movies have Taught Me.


I've been watching a fair few B grade horror movies recently. Nothing frustrates me more that watching these fools blatantly go against the basic rules that we should have all learnt from watching any sort of horror films. So for those of you who don't watch horror movies here are a few things that I have learnt. (They just might save your life)

1. NEVER EVER buy a house with a basement. As far as I can tell basements are ALWAYS bad. If you must buy a house with a basement. Clean out the previous owners old stuff as something will inevitably be cursed. Check the floors and walls and make sure nothing is buried under or in it. Check the electrics. Make sure the door can't be locked from the outside ... Actually forget all that and go back to the beginning and NEVER EVER buy a house with a basement.

2. If you are hearing noises and go to investigate and the lights won't turn on, leave it and go back in the morning (if ever). This includes scratching, thumping, a cat or child crying, or whispering. Do not fool yourself in thinking that its rats and even if it IS rats it can wait till the morning when you can change the bulb.

4. If weird things are happening, even if the power is turned off do not put your hand in waste disposals, meat grinders, under drop saws or near anything with sharp blades unless you don't need all of your fingers.

5. I'm pretty sure I covered this in my '
Things End of the World Movies have Taught Me' post but always remember good footwear. You'll thank me if you ever have to walk though rooms filled with bugs, snakes and broken glass. Plus if a hand reaches up from below it will give you the ability to slip out of your shoes before you are pulled into the nether world.

6. If you are running from something in your home. Do not go upstairs. Once you are up there there is no where to go. In fact its a good idea to have an escape plan from each room in your house. Mostly what you want to do is; if you live near people leave the house and find some. If you are away from other people DO NOT leave your house. Instead find the room that is the easiest to barricade and stay there until the sun comes up.

7. If your kids tell you there is something in their wardrobe or under their bed. Believe them. The easiest thing to do would be move. If that isn't an option get rid of the wardrobe or bed and maybe seal the room off. Also think about getting someone in to help. (maybe call the Ghostbuster)

8. If you think (even for a second) that you saw someones eyes flash red, yellow, white or black. Get away from them as fast as possible. Also do this if you think you glimpse a tail, horns or their face does some weird demon thing.

9. Don't walk down alleyways if there have been lots of mysterious deaths in your town. In fact don't walk anywhere. If you don't drive take a cab, bus or just stay where you are.

10. Lastly and most importantly if you are faced with a supernatural situation or are in a creepy building DO NOT split up. Nothing good can come of it, EVER. If someone has managed to get lost from the group, try and get everyone to go together. Or even better just thank your luck it wasn't you and hope they have found the best room in the house to barracade themselves in until the sun comes up.

Also completely stay away from:
Corn fields
Unused mental hospitals
Unused regular hospitals
Creepy looking dolls
Any house that has had an unexplained death in it

Wishing you luck, speed and pockets full of salt (that stuff is amazing, it can help with almost any situation)

3 comments:

Catriona said...

What happened to point 3? Did it go down to the basement even though the lights were off?

Wondering Willow said...

Haha. That will teach me for writing in stages. Number 3 must have become separated from the rest of them. And the others decided not to go looking for it :)

Catriona said...

Oooh-er. Do you reckon Number 3 also might have gone a little too far with its boyfriend? Because in that case it's definitely for the chop.

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